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Fanfiction 

This story is intended for the narrator to be the actress playing Violet Harmon on American Horror Story. It doesn’t have to be Taissa Farmiga, though, it can be you If you’re here only for smut it occurs later down the page, if here for smut and a little story, please enjoy

“I want to,” I grabbed Evan’s bulge, flaccid, but I could pretend.
“No, no, Vi,” he said shaking his head.
“Sorry…I thought…”
“Violet, I swear, I want to be with you so badly,” he rolled off me signaling the end of our make out session. I sighed loudly, disappointed at the thought.
“Cut!” Ryan yelled. “Why did you sigh?!” That’s not scripted. Ugggh. Let’s just tale 30. You two can leave. We’ll work on another scene,” God he could be such a little prick sometimes. Evan smiled at me sweetly and mouthed the words, “I’m sorry” and held out a hand to life me up. I grinned and placed my petite hand in his. We walked back to our dressing rooms together.
“I don’t know what his problem is! I thought you were great,” Evan smiled. He was always so courteous.”
“Haha,” I laughed modestly, “Thanks, but he’s right I shouldn’t’ve laughed.”
“Did you get bored or something?”
“No no! I just…I dunno.” I couldn’t tell him the real reason. That I was secretly pining over him. That everyday we come to work it kills me to see him leave in Alexia’s car. That every time we film a scene when he kisses me or I have to grab his PENIS I have to pretend it’s real and my heart breaks when Ryan or Brad end the scene snapping me back to bitter reality, in which, Evan is not mine.
“Oh well. Do you wanna come over after rehearsal and run lines together? We have a monster episode coming up.”
“Sure,” I nodded enthusiastically. Any time I spent with him off set made my life that much better. “What time?”
“How about right after we get off at 3?”
“Sounds great, aren’t you doing something with Alexia, though?”
“Nope I’ve got all the time in the world for you!” He winked unaware of how much that simple comment shattered me.
I freshened up a bit and hopped in Evan’s car, script in hand ready to depart. Evan smiled at me and asked if I’d read over the script yet.
“No, why? Something bad?” You could never assume anything with Ryan.
“Well, turns out I’m rubberman,” he winked seductively. I fake gasped, I had a hunch. “And we have sex!” “What?!” I nearly threw up my arms in a mixture of emotions: surprise, happiness, fear. “Well it’s not like we do anything. It’s still TV, hun”
“Right, I know it’s just I didn’t think Violet would do something that fast,” I lied quickly masking my real reason for excitement.
We pulled into Evan’s parking lot and walked up to his apartment: 23C 4th floor. It was large and plastered with white walls all around.
“Something to drink?” Evan called from the kitchen.
“No, thank you,” I replied politely.
“Are you sure? I have Corona!”
“Hahahaha,” his tone always managed to make me laugh, “Evan you know I’m not 21 yet…” I trailed off displeased with my answer. That’s generally not the sexiest thing someone could say.
Evan returned, Corona in hand. He looked a bit hurt. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I should remember things like that.”
“Evan, it’s okay. Really, no problem.”
“Alright then! Ready to run some lines?” he smiled instantaneously happy after the forgiveness.
“Of course,” I smiled.
“Alright sweetie! Let’s go…page 17?” There he went with the sweetie nonsense again. It killed me every time he said it.
“Ev,”
“What is it?”
“Nothing never mind,” I couldn’t mention it without coming off insecure.
“No! That’s not fair! Tell me.”
“No! Come on. Forget I said anything. Page 17.” and with that latest denial he set his beer down and placed his long fingers on my abdomen and began tickling. God, I almost died, I swear. I couldn’t contain myself. The amount of hilarity and ecstasy I was feeling was unnatural for a tickle tantrum. I had to end the torture.
“Fine! FINE!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Evan retreated laughing himself at the complete dominance he’d displayed over me. “Evan, I hate it when you call me sweetie. Or hun. It sounds demeaning y’know like I’m just a little kid you’re forced to hang around.” Evan’s pouty face returned with that comment.
“Wow. I had no idea it was that upsetting to you,” his voice dripping with sincerity.
“No, no. It’s not that. It’s just you’ve said it in a few interviews and you mention it to me every now and then and…it breaks my heart a little bit.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I have feelings for you,” not any longer had the words escaped that my hands were covering my wide open shocked mouth. I had blurted out my deepest darkest secret. I was dying of shame, I knew it. Maybe it would all go away. Maybe he hadn’t head. Alas, no. He did have working ears.
“What?!” he replied obviously startled
“Nothing! It just came out! I’m sorry. I don’t have feelings for you.”
“You don’t?”
“No,” I blushed. “That’s not true! I do! I do, but the thing is we work together, you have a girlfriend and I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry. Can we just run lines?” And with that I felt Evan’s soft lips touch mine. He was powerful, most certainly the dominant force, but he was also gentle. Aware of my petite like stature. Soon I realized what was happening and instinctively pushed him off of me.
“What the hell, Evan?!”
“What in the fuck are you doing? You’re sending me mixed signals here. I don’t know what to do.”
“Nothing! We can’t do anything.”
“Why not?
“Alexia.” Evan sat there silently and pondered the flaw standing in the way of his plan. Dazed he looked for a solution.
“I would rather be with you, now.” Just the thought of those words sent chills up my spine, but my goddamn moral compass ceased the chills and sent them to a distant place.
“We work together.” This proved to be an easier task for him to solve.
“No one has to know!” He winked. I smiled. This was my dream! My every night’s fantasy playing out in reality! Why couldn’t I just let it happen?
“We can’t…”
“But we can,” as he said those words he scooped me off his living room carpet, bridal style, and carried me into his bedroom. The bed was a mess, as expected. Evan was always such a slob, but I couldn’t care less. He threw me on the bed sending my hair every which direction. I looked at Evan’s bulge through his blue jeans and smiled.
He was clearly too hard for any foreplay and I just wanted him inside me so I quickly took off my shirt as Evan removed his own. He rested his head against mine and began kissing me passionately. Every tongue movement seemed to be strategically placed. This was the best make out session I’d ever had. His pink lips felt so RIGHT against mine. I placed my hand over his dick and caressed it sweetly, moving my hand up and down. Evan moaned inside my mouth. I smiled. He picked his head up and unbuckled his pants. I removed my pants as well, I was so horny at this point I ripped my own bra and panties off quickly. Once Evan’s jeans hit the floor the only thing that remained were his boxers. Calling them boxers implies the bagginess, but they were stretched to the max by his pitched tent.
“My god, you’re beautiful,” he said staring at my naked body sprawled across his bed.
“Shut up and take off your underwear,” I mocked barely able to contain my own juices from flowing out of me so soon just by the sight of Evan’s half naked body. Evan obliged and with that we stared at one another for a moment gazing at one another’s every attribute. Both of us silently thinking how crazy this all was that only minute earlier we had been completely platonic co-workers and here we were now about to become one.
“Are you sure?” Evan asked me like the gentleman he was.
I nodded, but beckoned for him to come closer, I still had one more secret for him.
“What is it, babe?” I loved the new nickname he had for me. I smiled at the thought of being his ‘babe’
“I’m a virgin, Evan. Do you still want to?”
“Of course. I had a feeling. Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle,” He grinned widely and I felt his tip graze my entrance. I gasped, unaware it was beginning. Evan giggled at my naivete. He plunged in, but only a few inches.
“Oh, god!” He exclaimed.
“What is it?” I asked, worriedly.
“You’re so tight,”
“Is that bad?”
“No, babe,” He replied laughing more. He then placed his lips on top of mine once more, all the while thrusting in and out gently. I could tell only a few inches were in me, and that wasn’t enough, I wanted more. I wanted it all.
“More,” I cried, hoping he would get the picture.
“Shh, let me…” He trailed off clearly focusing too hard on the task at hand. Not that that displeased me. He kissed me harder and harder in sync with his penis going deeper and deeper inside of me. He pushed it so far the pleasure surpassed the pain. He kept his hips going to and fro. My insides were throbbing, I would’ve screamed had his tongue not been wrapped around mine. The beginning part was so slow it made me happy, we both lay there panting heavily, yet softly, fully conscious of the fact that we were now intertwined as one. He looked directly in my eyes and smiled. I smiled back. This was exactly how it was supposed to be. No distractions. Just Evan inside of me.
“Ready?” Evan asked playfully.
“What’ve we been doing?” I teased, confusedly.
“We made love,” I giggled at his terminology. “I think you’re ready to have sex now.” Instantly I knew what he meant, he wanted to be rough. I understood and was excited to say the least. His hips began increasing in speed faster and faster with every thrust. The pain level went up drastically, but along with that the pleasure. I groaned every time he went in. This time his face was not nearly as close to mine as before. Now it seemed like he was riding me. His hands supported him, pushing up from the bed. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his back, he glanced down at me to make sure I was okay. I nodded. I dug my nails into his back hard. I had nothing else to hold on to. He was pumping in and out like a madman.
“Unnnhhhh!” he groaned out trying hard not to burst his load “Babe, are you close?” Hell yes I was, I could barely talk I was so close so I only nodded in silence biting my lip to keep from disrupting the other people in the apratment. “I can’t!”
“Evan–just–wait,” my talking was clouded my intense breathing and the words were muffled because my teeth were clenched. I knew he wanted to explode, but I could feel an orgasm so close. I couldn’t let him give up on me that easily. He pumped harder than before now trying to keep his mind off the cum that was about to shoot out. His thrusts were less positioned and perfect at a right angle. Now they were flailing every which way, just as my head was thrashing around on his pillow.
“C-c-come onnn!” He cried willing himself to stay in for the long haul and just as he screamed that he pumped himself inside me one final time before:
“EVANNN! UNNFFFF EVANN! NOWW NOWWWW!” And with that command he released himself and cried out himself.
“Unnnnnnnfffffff oh god, oh fuck.” My orgasm trickled up and down my spine all the way to the tips of my fingers. My toes curled and I could feel something warm trickling down my leg and inside myself. I instantly knew it was Evan’s own orgasm. I felt a little pride in knowing I’d helped in getting him there, but mostly the only thing I felt in that moment was pure ecstasy. Evan collapsed on top of me and I grabbed his back and pulled him up to my face to give him one more kiss. I had to do most of the work now, it seemed as though Evan had completely tired himself out trying to hold in there for me. I could only thank him for putting my pleasure first. I nibbled on his ear and ten progressed my way down to his neck making sure not to leave behind any marks that might arouse suspicions. Evan’s body remained stagnant on top of me. I laughed at him, which got him moving.
“What? What is so funny?” he smirked. I laughed again playing with his hair. He rolled off me. We both sat on top of the sweat soaked sheets silently for a moment or two. Until, “How are you?”
“I’m perfect, how are you?”
“I’m fucking exhausted, that’s how I am. I thought I was going to pass out waiting for you,” He glanced at me and beamed. “It was worth it, though, to hear you call my name like that.” I blushed.

——————————————————————————————————

“I’m glad it was worth it for you because it was equally as great for me,”
“Well, thank you,” Evan replied nodding his head and tipping his invisible hat. I laughed.
“I’m tired,” I confessed
“Me too, lovely,” I rolled around about to drift off to sleep thinking how this day couldn’t possible get any better, when suddenly I felt Evan’s left arm wrap around my waist. His long fingers rested on my stomach and naked we both lay there, spooning.
******************************************************************************
I drowsily opened my eyes to unfamiliar surroundings. I had to remind myself of where I was and what had happened. Just the thought of having sex with him made me smile. That’s what had happened. I had sex with Evan. As I giggled to myself, I noticed Evan’s arm was still on me, how sweet. We had cuddled the whole nap. I tried to move his heavy arm and wake him, but it couldn’t be done. He was such a heavy sleeper. I reached over to the night stand grasping for my phone. I clicked it on and the time staring back at me read 6:30 p.m. My heart leapt into my chest. I hurriedly tried to wake Evan with more force than before.
“Evan. Evan! EVAN!” I screamed shocked at his capacity to be able to sleep despite my intense voice. Finally he twitched.
“Wh-what?” he replied. I showed him my phone and he instantly rolled off me.
“I was supposed to be home a half hour ago!” I whined fearing the consequences that awaited me. I sprang out of the safe haven that was Evan’s bed and began frantically searching for my clothes. Evan leapt out of his own bed and began copying my every action searching for his own clothes sprawled across the room in no particular fashion.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“What the hell do you think I’m doing?” He teased.
“Umm, I don’t know that’s why I asked, silly,”
“How do you expect to get home?” He asked as though this were the first time I’d ever visited his apartment to run lines.
“Ev, I take the bus home,”
“Not this time. I’m going to drive you. I think we can both agree that this visit has been a bit out of the ordinary,” he smiled, I smiled. Shivers crept up my back at the thought. We quickly dressed ourselves and although Evan was now clothed, I still kept the image of him naked stored in my mind. Hurriedly we ran down the stairs of his building and climbed into his car. He turned the radio on and “Paradise” by Coldplay was playing. He blasted the radio and immediately started singing along.
“SHE DREAMED OF PARA-PARA-PARADISE,” he cried, failing to match Chris Martin’s voice in any way, but I appreciated his effort. He was so cute.
“C’mon sing,” he turned to me and said.
“Hahahaha, no!” I replied defiantly!
“I know you know this song. Sing it!”
“Evan…”
“Sing! Together now!” And with that I released all of my inhibitions and belted:
“SO LYIN’ UNDERNEATH THE STORMY SKIES SHE’D SAY OH-OH-OH-OH I KNOW THE SUN MUST SET TO RISE THIS COULD BE PARA-PARA-PARADISE!” Evan and I broke down laughing, I thought he was going to drive right off the road he was laughing so uncontrollably. Just as the song was ending he pulled into my driveway. I was hoping our goodbye wouldn’t be awkward. I didn’t want to end this perfect day awfully. Luckily for me, I didn’t have to do much. Evan shifted his weight towards me, closed his eyes, leaned in to me and gave me a supple kiss on the lips. No tongue, but there didn’t have to be, it was perfect just the way it was. When he retreated, I left the car swiftly shutting the door softly, just before he left, I bent down so my face was level with his. Peering through the window I mouthed, “See you tomorrow” he beamed and put his car in reverse and drove off.
*****************************************************************************
Walking into work the next day, I was flooded with emotions. How would it be? Awkward? Loving? Uncomfortable? Did he even care? It seemed as though he did the night prior, but I couldn’t be sure. I couldn’t just pretend that just because he had spent one night with me that Alexia wasn’t in the picture anymore. The even bigger question though, would anyone know? And what would they do if they found out? I tried to set my mind at rest repeating over and over, “Don’t worry until you have to. Don’t worry until you have to.” I walked on set hoping to catch a glimpse of Evan before we had to shoot so I could flash him a big toothy grin so he would know just how happy and cool with everything I was. Unfortunately, I walked in and he was in the process of talking something over with Dante, so I kept moving. As I passed him though, he looked up from what he was doing and winked at me. So things were alright I thought.
I was so ready to film the scene I’d fucked up the day prior. I was confident.
I walked into my dressing room, applied the necessary make-up and proceeded to where the cameras and Ryan and Evan were. I laid down on the fake sand on the make shift beach we’d created for the sole purpose of this scene. Evan walked over and hovered above me for a moment before laying down on top of me.
“Action!” Ryan yelled. Evan began kissing me, it wasn’t new to me anymore. It felt right. It felt familiar. I reached down to grab another place I’d grown familiar with.
“I want to,” I said without hesitation.
“No, no Vi,”
“Sorry – I thought,” Evan rolled off me same as always, but I held my cool. I wasn’t going to mess up. I didn’t need to. Evan rolling off of me didn’t mean anything anymore. It didn’t mean I was never going to have him because I already HAD had him.
“Violet, I swear I wanna be with you so badly,” he paused glancing at me with remorse in his eyes – he was such a good actor. “I’ve never felt this way about a girl before.”
“Are you gay?” I asked, fully aware of the answer based on our night together.
“No!” He replied.
“Maybe it’s those meds your dad gave me, they do that y’know,”
“Y-yeah. I’m gonna go.” I stood up pretending to leave.
“N-no, Vi. I’m not ready to go, not yet.”
“CUT!” Ryan yelled. “Perfect, much better guys. We’ll film the monologue later.” The rest of the time we spent on set was a breeze. I wasn’t nervous for anything, nor was I constantly pining over my love. The only thing I was anxious for was later today. Evan had invited me to his apartment again. Obviously, I said yes. But I had this gut feeling the conversation was going to so something like:
“Sweetie, I had a great time last night,” he would revert back to his ‘sweetie’ mechanisms and start off with a compliment that would soon turn backhanded, “but I just can’t be with you. I have a commitment to Alexia that I can’t break.”
“But Ev–,” I would butt in trying to sway him from what I saw coming. He would hold a gracefully long finger up to my lips and shush me.
“Don’t talk. I want to remember last night perfectly, as it was. I’ll see you on Monday when we film.” And with that he would excuse me to the door, and I would never be able to look at him the way I once did.
As afraid as I was of this becoming a reality, I stepped in his car once more and waited for him to explain.
“I’m going to invite Alexia over tonight.” Oh god. Here it was. I knew it was coming. My heart twisted into several knots. I felt as thought I was going to vomit. I couldn’t I had to restrain myself. Not in Evan’s car. Not now. “But I wanted to talk to you first.” Oh there it was. He wanted to let me down easy. He wanted to make sure I wasn’t hurt first, as nice as the gesture was, it wasn’t what I wanted nor what I dreamed of. I kept everything bottled up and masked my discomfort.
“What about, Ev?” I asked as nonchalantly as possible.
“Well,” I could sense his tone. He was uncomfortable. Something was wrong inside him. “I love Alexia so much.” I could taste the whole wheat toast I had for breakfast coming up in my mouth again. It was painful. It would’ve been easier if he’d just throw me out of the car. “Or at least I thought I did.” Were these words really coming out of his mouth? My jaw dropped. Good thing Evan had to keep his luscious brown eyes on the road, otherwise he would’ve witnessed my inappropriate face.
“What are you talking about?” Maybe I was reading the situation wrong. I had to be smart first and not jump to so many conclusions.
“Last night…” he trailed off leaving me on the edge of my seat.
“Yeah…?” I prompted.
“Last night was, well, one of the best nights of my entire life, if not the best.” My heart melted. I rubbed my eyes and pinched myself all over to make sure this was really happening. I couldn’t believe the things I was hearing. “I mean, really, I had such an outstanding time. And don’t get me wrong here, the sex was great, but it wasn’t just that. I like talking to you. I like singing with you. I like sleeping next to you and hearing you breathe.”
“Evan.” I was almost brought to tears by the statement. How could it be that he sat there feeling the exact same way I did? Was this all possible?
“Oh, god, I’ve scared you away haven’t I? Fuck. That’s exactly what I didn’t want. I’m sorry, I can just take you home if you want to be alone right now. I get it.” I guess perhaps my voice had sounded a bit condescending before.
“Evan! No! What are you talking about? I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but everything you just said about last night. I mean I’m so glad you said those things first. I thought I was the only one thinking them,” We simultaneously shared a sigh of relief. “I think you’re great, Evan. I’m so unbelievably happy right now, I can’t express to you in words.” We pulled into his parking lot.
“Maybe we don’t need words,” he smiled and kissed me hard. Everything was right. Almost everything. One thing didn’t make sense.
“Wait, Ev. If everything you said is true, why are you inviting Alexia over tonight?”
“I was thinking I was going to break up with her.” There was no remorse in his voice whatsoever. I smiled, inappropriately again.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m really happy, too.”
“I figured as much, but why would you invite us both over together?” I questioned. “Oh, god. No, you can’t tell her that you’re leaving her for me. No. What if she tells someone? Someone at work? We can’t let any of them know.” I panicked.
“Relax, I just thought I’d let you hear the conversation like in another room or something, god you’re cute.”
“Stop,” I couldn’t help it. I liked the comment. I liked everything about this day, Evan was mine and better yet he wanted to be mine.
“And besides, we still have some time before she’s here.”
“Oh really?” I smirked. And we both got out of the car and walked up to his apartment 23C 4th floor. As we walked up the stairs together I felt Evan’s long fingers intertwine with mine.
“Your hands are cold,” I whispered.
“You know what they say: cold hands, warm heart,” He picked up his hand, subsequently picking up mine and kissed it ever so gently. We continued walking up the steps.
——————————————————————————————————

As we made our way to Evan’s apartment, I asked, “How long did you say we have?”
“What time is it?” He asked out loud to himself as he checked his phone. “3:30,” he mumbled doing mental math, “I told her to come at 5:00, so we have an hour and a half. Why?”
“Well, I just wanted to see if we had time to…” I trailed off hoping he would understand what I was trying to convey. I coyly bit my bottom lip making full eye contact. Evan chuckled, he knew exactly what I meant. He grabbed my cheeks with his palms, his long fingers reached all the way past my temples as he pulled me in closer. Gently his lips met mine. Before he could go any farther I pulled away and took his hand in mine, kicked off my sandals off and tiptoed to his bedroom with him following close behind. He gestured for me to lay on the bed, but I playfully shook my head “no” and pushed him down with a soft blow to the chest. I climbed on top of him, straddling his hips with my knees. I kissed him hard, more passionately than before. A flash of surprise passed over his face, not used to me taking the dominant role. Lust filled my eyes, the same as his. He bent forward to take off his shirt as I unbuttoned my blouse. We kissed again, harder still, panting already. He multi-tasked wrapping his hands around my back unhooking my bra. In no time, it was off. We were both shirtless. Then he began fumbling with his belt. I grabbed his hand and moved it away whispering seductively in his ear, “Let me…” I unbuckled his belt with ease and maneuvered my hand down his pants. At the touch of my soft skin to his, he moaned just a little bit. He was quivering as I pulled his pants down all the way si the lay wrapped around his ankles. I felt superior managing to get him naked while I still had some clothes on. I placed my tongue on his tip; licking, teasing. Slowly I wrapped my mouth around the head and sucked him off, I let him in deeper and deeper all the way allowing all his length inside me. I multi-tasked by stroking his shaft when my mouth wasn’t completely around it. I went faster and faster up and down him: sucking, kissing, stroking, licking, all the while. I heard his hands tighten on the sheets. His knuckles were white from the sharp grip he had. I was difficult for him being on the bed because he wanted to help me out by thrusting his hips forcing himself into my mouth. The best he could manage were a few little spasms of his hips coming off the bed. He grabbed my hair with his left hand and stroked my head, chills ran up and down stemming from the place he’d pet me on my skull. I kept going pushing onward, he was so hard now I could tell his groans were getting louder and louder when he called out, “Ohhh! Oh god!” and immediately at that moment I released the tight grip I’d had with my mouth for so long. He groaned angrily and glared at me with fierce eyes upon realizing he’d have to wait a little longer for his moment of paradise. Now it was my turn to laugh at the dominance I’d displayed over him. He was sick of playing the submissive role; he sat up tensely and picked me up by my hips.
“Ah!” I screamed unsure of what was happening, this was not my plan! He couldn’t have cared less he was mad at me for my teasing and there was only one way he saw fit to take care of it. He rammed me into the wall right next to his night stand nearly knocking over his lamp from the vibration sent through the wall. I stood on my own two feet now, shaking from the impact. Evan knelt down and practically tore off my shorts, with them out of the way he traced his hands along the outline of my black lace underwear. My body flooded with chills as Evan ripped off the underwear itself. He grinned wickedly not saying a word as he plunged into me. I moaned immediately, his tongue swirled around in me like a tornado. I clutched his hair nearly ripping out his curls. I held his head close to me, he kept twirling his tongue reaching new levels of deep. Needless to say, it didn’t take me long to become very wet. I was oblivious to the world around me as my eyes rolled back into my head. I groaned endlessly, I could feel an orgasm on the cusp, I kept on holding his head tightly just as he kept on pushing farther and farther into me. My head was about to explode, I was about to cum I could feel it, I called out, “Evann! Oh fuck, Evan!” And suddenly, as I was on the verge of sheer bliss, Evan yanked his head away.
“Noo!” I shouted uncontrollably.
He stood up, his face soaking he looked at me and said, “That’ll teach you to toy with my emotions.” The feeling of disappointment shattered my face, I nearly cried. But I mustered up the courage to get back at him and get the jubilance I so deserved.
“Maybe so,” I replied scandalously.
“Wrong answer,” he said and picked me up again, this time to throw me on the bed. Still naked and wasting no time to get the long awaited satisfaction he wanted, Evan rammed his thick cock into me farther than he’d been the day earlier. In no time at all he was thrusting persistently grabbing me just below my hips to sustain his efforts. I grunted as my head hit his headboard in rhythm with his hips gliding forward and back. Evan seemed unaware of his surroundings, including me, he was trying to reach the place of perfection he’d once been so close to. I lifted my otherwise immobile hands and placed them on the back of his neck. He snapped back to reality and opened his eyes. I pulled him down towards me and kissed him lustfully. Sweat was leaking from his pores as he unrelentlessly plunged deeper in me. I bit down on his bottom lip and tugged. He released a small whimper and dug his nails into my sides, scratching, clawing. It seemed like the whole room was spinning as Evan’s pace quickened and I could feel my body temperature rising as the near orgasmic feeling approached me once more. He gnawed on my neck sending me closer to the brink I called out,
“Ev I can’t wait any longer,” surprised at the turn of events from last night when he had to wait for me.
“W-wait!” He cried releasing his grip from my neck.
“N-no! I c-can’t, Evan!” I screamed suppressing the unbearable urge.
“Just–,” he stopped breathing too heavily for words. He was slamming into me so rough, the urge to explode was great I didn’t know how much longer my willpower would hold out for. He jerked and tweaked his motions now hitting me in more pleasurable spot.
“Babe I’m—” he tried to clue me in, but it didn’t matter we synced up without having to let the other one know.
“Fuckkkk,” I sighed upon my own release. Bliss had spread across my whole body and I could only assume Evan also as he lay beside me panting heavily and grinning sheepishly. He rolled onto his back and crossed his hands behind his head. I rolled over and rested my head on his damp chest. I could hear his heart beating rapidly. I giggled.
“What?” he asked. I turned to look at him and mouthed “nothing”. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me close to him. I breathed heavily, once again, lying naked in his arms, one of the best feelings I’d ever felt. I turned to look at the clock, it read: 4:40.
“Oh, shit, Ev, I gotta go.”
“Why? I said you could stay and listen in another room to make sure you’re comfortable with the conversation.”
“What the fuck am I gonna do if I don’t like what I hear? Run out and tell you what to say? I trust you. Besides. I like Alexia. I can’t invade her privacy like that.”
“You’re right all you do is steal her boyfriend,” he smirked.
“Ugh!” I scoffed. “That’s not fair. I didn’t have control of yesterday. I told you to stop.”
“I know, I know, I’m just messing with you.”
“That’s not funny, Evan. I really do like her, she’s sweet,” I urged telling the truth. We had met at an event earlier in the year and she seemed genuinely nice.
“Are you trying to get me to change my mind?” Evan joked.
“No! I’m just saying she seems like a good person.”
“I know. I loved her,” My stomach rolled. I couldn’t help if it was the truth, I still didn’t want to hear it.
“Just let her off easy, please, for me?” I begged reminding him that he was mine in the process.
“I wouldn’t do it any other way.”
“Alright, I better get home.” I sighed unhappily, collecting my clothes. Dressing reluctantly, I bent over to give him a peck on the cheek, it was so hard to leave him. As I walked out his bedroom door I heard:
“Wait!”
“Yeah?” I smiled.
“I’ll walk you to the door,” Evan stood up and wrapped himself in the comforter suddenly self-conscious.
“What a gentleman,” I answered.
“If everything goes smoothly with Alexia can I call you afterwards? Will you be able to come over later?”
“It’s Friday–I could easily say I’m staying at Kate’s place.”
“Excellent, I’ll see you then, lovely,” He gave me one final kiss on the lips and opened the door escorting me out.

——————————————————————————————————

I took the bus home, like usual, as Evan’s ride was out of the ordinary for the night before, I didn’t like the feeling of being away from him, as it allowed my mind to race as to what would happen when I wasn’t present. Should I have stayed? I questioned myself, perhaps he had only asked me to stay to prevent himself from doing something he would regret. I could speak for myself that I’d seen him act off of impulse. Maybe getting back together with her now would be inevitable. Maybe I was the mistake. Maybe I was the thing he wanted to forget. The bus lurched forward and I almost fell out of my seat, realizing I’d worried myself the whole way home. My head was throbbing from my racing thoughts, so I took an aspirin and lay down on the bed, within minutes I was asleep.

I awoke to a loud hard vibration coming from my night stand–my phone. My heart beat fast as I picked it up, unsure whether it was even Evan, but if it was, what would he say? Come over? Or sorry, stay home. I slid to unlock for my reply, my fingers shaking. The bright screen hurt my sleepy eyes, I breathed a sigh of relief upon reading the message:

Can you still come over?

Yeah, sure, I’ll be there in ten. I quickly replied. Still nervous, I quickly typed more letters.

How did everything go?

Anxiously awaiting my reply I grabbed my purse and ducked out of the house, with permission to go to Kate’s house, not Evan’s. I looked at the night sky, confusingly it was still a bit light out, I presumed I’d been sleeping for the whole night, but only a couple hours had passed it was only eight. I boarded the bus, still without another text, but I was less worried now, he’d invited me over. He wouldn’t invite me over just to tell me to go back home, that was impossible.

It was fine. I let her down easy just like you asked.

I could practically see Evan’s smirk shining through the text, he was at least a little happy, I could tell, to have two women fighting over him. I could only smile at the thought that I arose the victor.

Is that it, at first you were going to let me in on the conversation and now you’re just going to say “it was fine”? I questioned. His response arrived faster this time:

Just come over. We’ll talk more then.

I was a bit put off by this text, I’m not sure what it was, but something about it bothered me, the attitude, the way I could see Evan’s face through the text, it seemed too concise, too harsh. There was no smile, or sexy talk, just very down to business. But, no. He’d said that he let her down easy, meaning that she was out of the picture. I began talking to myself, mumbling out loud, words here and there, forcing myself not to notice the other passengers. I tried to piece things together, coming up with a new possibility that perhaps he wanted neither of us. He’d simply want to live on his own for awhile, be one of those celebrities that fucks all the fans. No, that was just a paranoid state of mind I’d let myself wander off into. That wasn’t the truth and I knew it. He wouldn’t invite me over for that. I am the victor, I told myself.

Alright, fine. I’m walking up right now. I texted assuring myself that all was fine. No matter how cocky he’d come off, it was only because he was impressed at the fact that two women were vying for his attention, that was it. I walked up the steep steps, they seemed more daunting than before, as if I were walking towards my fate, now. These steps were determining where I was going – to be with Evan – or not. I kept climbing, growing more and more terrified with every step. Suddenly I reached the 4^th floor, and walked down the hall defiantly. I turned to his apartment door and knocked heavily. I was no force to be reckoned with. I was not going to be some rebound or side girl that he slept with every now and again, despite his confidence, perhaps he was going to lose two women in that night, if he didn’t play his cards right! He opened the door and as the sun was beginning to set outside, the light of many candles flooded his living room. The lighting was very dim, I could barely make out his face.

“Hi,” he smiled, there was the smile I’d grown to love.

“Hi,” I stood on my tiptoes to peck his lips. He laughed a little and closed the door as he led me in. I hung up my jacket and threw my sandals off for the second time that day. He led me to the couch, holding my hand tightly as if I’d lose him if I let go.

“What is all this?” I chuckled.

“Don’t get too happy,” he laughed back, “It was for Alexia, I made her and I dinner.”

“Oh,” I replied unsure of how to answer, feeling foolish for assuming the candlelight was an act for me.

“They can be for you too,” Evan mentioned reading my mind. I laughed nervously, that wasn’t what I wanted to hear, I didn’t want to share his romantic gesture for someone else, it wasn’t for me. Why couldn’t he just leave it at that?

“Sure…” I said under my breath. We got to the couch to a point where there were even more candles. The coffee table was dressed in a real candelabra and fancy tablecloth. They’d clearly eaten sitting on the floor, for there were two empty plates that marked the ends of the table where they’d resided. I grimaced. Was there no way he could remove this? Was he not aware of how much it hurt to look at? Only hours before we’d been in the other room, intimately. And then he called me over once more only to have me look at the remnants of the other girl he’d had here?

“This looks really sweet,” I muttered through clenched teeth.

“Ha, yeah, thanks, I thought so too,” He was completely oblivious, to my pain. Internally I was dying, forced to look at this. And the worst part was that he had no idea. “So you wanted to talk?”

“Well I was just confused because earlier today you wanted me to listen to everything and then you just texted me, ‘It was fine’,”

“Well, what do you want to know?”

“Everything.” We weren’t sitting on the couch yet, merely standing next to one another, my eyes galvanized by the other things in the room, but I looked back at Evan, and in the midst of the sharper candlelight here I saw something. I tiptoed closer to him, he looked confused. I grabbed his head in my hands and bent it down so I was closer to his eyes. I didn’t see it from far away, but his eyes were red. Not pink red like he’d been scratching them, but red, deep red, like he’d been crying.

“What the hell?” He asked pulling away.

“Evan—,” I stopped short, for he had cut me off.

“What? I’ve asked you what do you want me to tell you? Say something, what do you want?” He collapsed on the end of the couch and I crawled up next to him laying my head in his lap. I looked up at his face. Distress was clouded around it.

“Evan, I’m sorry,” I calmly replied. He bent over to kiss my forehead and he grabbed some of my hair in his hand, stroking it.

“I know, me too, I shouldn’t have snapped like that,”

“It’s okay, I was sitting here thinking how inconsiderate you were being, when really it was me all along. I’ve been sitting here asking for details, when it doesn’t matter what happened, but how you feel about it all. I just want to be someone here that you can talk to,” I smiled sweetly.

“I know that. I want to talk to you too, it’s just, this has all been very new to me. You know? I’ve known you for a month and I’ve known Alexia for six months. I’ve been with her forever it seems like,” His words were choppy, he wasn’t his usual eloquent self. It was clear now that he was really quite shaken up by this. “I told you before I loved her, but then I spent these couple days with you, and I don’t know. I really–I just don’t know.”

“I know, Evan, I get it,” I spoke the next words solemnly, fighting their release from my mouth every step of the way, but I felt they had to be said, “Whatever you feel, I can’t control. If you want to be with Alexia, though, you should tell me now before I get too comfortable, so I can leave because I don’t really care to be heartbroken. I’d rather just get it over with.”

“No–,” he shook his head repeatedly. “That’s just it! I don’t want you to think that at all, I think after tonight, all I want to do is be with you. It was just hard today, but it will get easier, you know how I know?”

“How?”

“Because after she left tonight, I wasn’t devastated, but upon just hearing you say ‘so I can leave’ I immediately yearned for you. I don’t want you to go anywhere, ever, but right by my side. Trust me, what I did tonight, was terribly difficult, maybe the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but knowing that after it was over with, that I would get to see your pretty face afterwards, somehow made it all better.” I was so overcome with emotion, I felt a tear run down my cheek. Evan’s hand caressed my cheek wiping the tear away. I grabbed his hand and intertwined my fingers with his and rested our hands together on my heart. I lay there just staring up at him, his eyes were off in space.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked.

“You know, I didn’t think so. When I texted for you to come over, I wasn’t. I was so upset, I was in tears,” His open vulnerability shook me to the very core. “But now you’re here and I don’t regret a thing, I feel like I could talk to you for hours and just be happy.”

“I feel that way too, Ev,” He looked down at me now, unable to convey his emotions to me with words any longer, we just stared at each other. We let our eyes tell a story our mouths could never dare to tell. Intensely we held one another’s gaze as I held his hand still encompassing mine up against my heart. I couldn’t begin to describe what a remarkable feeling it was to know we were both there, cognizant, happy, at peace. I didn’t want to, I felt it was too soon, but the eerie silence around us was begging to be broken with speech and there was only one thing I could think to say.

“I love you.” The world stopped, I couldn’t feel my heart beat rapidly against my hand anymore, his gaze held on me even stronger than before, but no smile arrived on his face. I lay there looking up at him intently wanting something, a return, I waited: nothing. I glanced around the rest of the room breaking the eye contact we’d held for so long, I looked around and saw the wine glasses on both sides of the table, I saw the lipstick that caked one of them, Alexia’s. I knew in that moment I shouldn’t have said anything. But it was out there now, I couldn’t take it back, and I didn’t know if I even wanted to. I knew staring at where she had been only minutes before I, and I felt that it was an inappropriate time to utter the words I had, but I wasn’t regretful. They were words of the truth and they needed to be said. I turned my head back to face Evan again. I still hadn’t felt my heart beat, time was moving so slowly, Evan’s face had not moved. The stoic expression remained still glaring down at me with thoughtful dark chocolate eyes.

“I love you, too,” I heard him say. My heart pounded in my chest once more and I clutched his hand harder than before. I squealed unable to contain my joy. I released his hand and lifted myself up, shifting my weight so that I was now sitting on his lap. I stared into his eyes once more recalling the beautiful interaction we’d just shared. I leaned in to his face and kissed him. For the first time, we kissed as two people in love. He grabbed my face in his hands and pushed me off, he looked at me once more and smiled, the first time since he’d opened the door to let me in that I’d seen him smile all night.

“I love you.” He said once more, letting it roll off the tongue easier than before.

“I love you too!” I screamed and I got off the couch too excited to stay motionless. Evan got off the couch too, where he’d been static for so long and walked like a zombie off in the distance. “Where are you going, Ev?” I called out. There was no reply, Evan returned in a moment holding a tiny stereo. He plugged it into the wall and rested it on the counter top and played a slow song. He took my right hand with his left and placed it out, I took my left hand and draped it across his back, lastly he took his right hand and firmly placed it on my hip. We swayed back and forth to a melodious waltz, not saying a word. We didn’t have to. Everything was perfect the way it was. We danced methodically, I rested my head on his chest and he then strategically placed his head in the crevice between my chin and shoulder. This continued for a long time through many piano songs and different sonatinas until finally we’d grown so lazy that I wrapped my arms around my neck and he wrapped his around my lower back as if we were executing one long moving hug. I didn’t care how stupid we must’ve looked, I only cared about the fact that for the first time during the night I wasn’t frantically worrying about how all the candles weren’t for me, and how Alexia’s plate of food remained on the table right next to us. For the first time that night, all that mattered were Evan and I.

——————————————————————————————————

We swayed rhythmically, our bodies so in tune with the music, and pressed up close next to one another. I felt Evan’s soft curls brush against my temples and I could feel his warm breath on the back of my neck, I couldn’t help but grin to myself. Suddenly, amidst our ‘dancing’,our bodies stopped rotating, our minds seemed to be lagging and we looked at each other and laughed realizing the music had ended. Evan quick reached out an arm and slapped the stereo changing it over to radio. He grabbed me again and tried to set his head back in the same crevice it had been residing. I removed my head from his chest and kissed him. It was sloppy, but he kissed back. Still, no talking just passion. The radio blared and we pressed into one another harder, still. I removed my face from his for only a moment to relieve myself of the burden that were my clothes, Evan did the same. Nothing was slowing us, the moments bled into one another, time meant nothing, only emotion, as I reattached my lips to Evan’s. We slithered downward until I saw a pile of blonde wisps blanket the floor. I giggled at what a mess his hair was, but he paid no attention, he traced circles around my body before completely indulging himself on the side of my neck, to my collarbone, all the way down to my breasts. I moaned and ran my fingers through hair as I kissed him and nipped at his lips. I gently grazed my hand down the center of his naked self. Slowly I made my way down to his throbbing member to find, much to my pleasing, that he was already quite hard. By my own decision, I decided the foreplay had gone on long enough. Without warning, I lifted myself off of Evan for a moment to position myself so that his entrance would be fast, painless, and most beneficial for our pleasure. Evan let out a guttural groan as I bounced up and down clutching his white Saxony carpet. I pushed on raucously, raking my nails down his chest and abdomen. The radio began to play The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” and once again both our bodies synced with the music. Every note played and sad melody we were motioning right along with it. Evan sunk his hands into my sides signaling he was far from control. I flew my head back letting my hair hit the floor fighting desperately to get my orgasm before Evan let go. He began squirming around and he cried out. I fought harder and bounced higher, partially aware that I would be raw and sore the next day, I quivered feeling my ecstasy amount. I reached underneath the higher part of Evan’s thighs and clawed.

“Ohhh, aww, hunny!” Evan screamed. I reciprocated with a deep moan and immediately collapsing on top of Evan’s moist chest. I sucked on his neck relentlessly and Evan placed his hands on my back and we lay there together letting the rest of the song play out. “I’m fucking tired,” he confessed.

“Same, you exhausted me,” I winked.

“I don’t even wanna move.”

“So don’t!” And with that I stood up, walked into the bedroom and ripped the comforter off the bed. I walked back out, draped the blanket on top of Evan and walked around the apartment blowing out all the candles. Then I turned the radio off, and last but not least, I crawled under the blanket next to Evan and drifted off to sleep on the cushiony floor.

************************************************

“Fuck!” Was the sound I awoke to the very next morning.

“Eugh, what’s wrong?” I squeaked groggily, rubbing my eyes.

“My back hurts from the floor.”

“Sorry, babe.”

“It’s not your fault,” he assured and stood up, but not before giving me a sweet kiss on the forehead. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“I’m not.”

“And why might that be?”

“So now I can spend the day with you.”

“What would you like to do, love?” Love I sighed. The day was only minutes long and I couldn’t get enough of it.

“I don’t know we can do anything!”

“How about we start the day off with a little breakfast?” He chuckled.

“Sure, you going to make it?”

“I’ll try,” he laughed again.

“You know, you don’t have to nervous laugh around me.”

“What?” He asked taken aback.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s adorable and I love you for it, but it’s me. You don’t need to be uncomfortable or nervous around me any more.” Without warning Evan retraced his steps from behind the kitchen counter and placed his hands around my hips.

“You are right. I can’t promise I’ll stop – but I shouldn’t be nervous around you – you’re right. I’m not.” I smiled. “I supposed you’re entitled to a proper good morning, then aren’t you?”

“I suppose so!” He pulled me in closer to his face and gave me a wildy romantic kiss.

He pulled his head away, “I love you,” he cooed. I giggled. “What is this?! You’re allowed to nervous laugh, but I am forbidden?”

“No, you’re right, I’m sorry. I love you too,” I replied nonchalantly. He didn’t realize that my giggle was out of sheer happiness, not awkwardness. Evan retreated away from my beckoning lips and went to the refrigerator to see what was for breakfast.

“Eggs?” He called out as I took a seat on a barstool he had behind the counter.

“Sounds great,” I replied.

“How do you want them cooked?”

“However you’re making yours.”

“So, scrambled it is then!” Figures, he was such a little kid. Evan danced over to the cupboard to take out a frying pan.

“Need some help?” I asked.

“Nah.”

“Sure?” I asked once more, a bit pleadingly, vying at the chance to get close to him again.

“Ohh, okay, yeah, babe, I really need some help cooking these eggs,” he mocked sarcastically, though understanding my desire. He placed the frying pan on the stove and cracked the eggs slowly. I maneuvered my way over to him and simply rested my head on his shoulders, engulfing his hips in my hands. As the eggs lay searing, he turned to face me and grabbed my face and kissed me once more. I kissed back harder working my way down his neck, nipping harder than the night before. Evan sighed and played with my hair as I continued, moving my way over to the other side of his elongated neck.

After a bit, he took his hand and placed it under my chin, raising my head back up to his level so he could kiss it some more. I rested my hands on the nape of his neck, teasing with my nails, sending shivers up his arms. His tongue easily penetrated the wall I’d built up with my teeth. So easily, I didn’t mind, nor fight it. I let my tongue dance the waltz our bodies had done prior, we got lost in the moment, as we always seemed to do, until suddenly I heard an awfully loud *BEEP BEEP BEEP*. I opened my eyes unable to see Evan’s face, it was clouded in a terrible amount of soot. The eggs had burnt, we’d been disillusioned for too long.

“Get the fire extinguisher!” I heard Evan yell.

“I don’t know where it is!” I yelled right back, panicking as I saw flames emerge.

“It’s – never mind,” he screamed as he ran to the back of the apartment. I stood next to the fire, unsure of what to do and scared to be alone. Evan swiftly returned large red container in hand.

“Spray it!” I exclaimed.

“I can’t!” Evan yelled. We were a mess. Smoke was piling everywhere, flames were building, the fire alarm was blaring, I couldn’t find the extinguisher and when Evan finally did he couldn’t get it to work.

“Give it to me!” He handed it over graciously. Within seconds I’d got the bottle to spray. I had suppressed the fire. In a matter of minutes I went from feeling worthless and out of place for not being able to locate a safety item, to being hero of the day. I looked at Evan, I had mistakenly sprayed him in my panic. He looked at me with a serious face and then we looked at the situation around us. The smoke was blurring vision, the burnt eggs, the smoke alarm still shrieking, and of course Evan covered in white foam. And then our eyes met one another’s amidst the blasphemous scene and we immediately burst out laughing. I meandered over to Evan and wiped the foam off him and kissed him one final time before he lifted me onto his shoulders and demanded that I shut off the “fucking annoying alarm.”

We never did have breakfast that day, but it turned out for the best, we slouched around the house all day being lazy, talking, kissing, watching tv and finally at the end of the day Evan drove me home.

On the car ride home Evan rested one hand on my thigh the entire trip, granted it’s a short trip, it was still a romantic gesture that I enjoyed. We simultaneously went in for a peck on the lips as I got out of the car and waved goodbye.

*****************************************************************************

Evan and I didn’t see each other that Sunday, the first day I hadn’t seen him since the Thursday he’d kissed me, but we did manage to text one another all the day long. I woke up in the morning to:

Good morning babe

and fell asleep to:

I love you, sweet dreams

The Monday after that was the first day Evan and I would be at work together as a couple, in love. I wasn’t nervous holding my script as I walked into the studio, what was there to be nervous for? Everything was perfect. I saw Evan’s car in the parking lot, so I know I would be able to see him immediately when I got in. I walked back to my dressing room,

“Hello,” I gasped upon entering the trailer.

“What the fuck?!”

“I thought I would surprise you,” Evan smiled and approached me.

“You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” he laughed at me. I playfully hit him on the shoulder, and with ease he removed my weapon of a hand and wrapped it around his back. I kissed him for the first time in a full 24 hours. It felt warm and familiar, something I’d missed.

“Call to set in 5,” there was a knock at the door that accompanied this voice. I abruptly panicked and turned off the lights and threw Evan on the couch.

“Okay-y,” I replied.

“Scene 4, 6, and 14.”

“Thank you-u-u,” I uncomfortably yelled, fearing being caught. “I’ll be down in 5,” The voice ceased to reply.

“What the hell was that?” Evan questioned.

“I thought he was gonna come in!”

“So? Are you ashamed of me?”

“No, are you stupid? Of course not, I don’t want to get fucking fired. I thought maybe you felt the same.”

“You’re not going to be fired.”

“Work spaces tend not to approve of employees dating one another, and it’s not like we’re for sure – no episodes have aired yet. I’m easily replaceable right now. And you know Ryan fucking hates me.”

“Okay, okay, fine. I see your point. We’re on a down low at work. I shouldn’t have come in here unannounced.”

“Thank you, but I did like seeing your pretty face,” I smiled.

*****************************************************************************

We both strolled on to the set, encased in an aura of nonchalance. I smiled at Evan and he smiled at me and we conversed as if we hadn’t seen one another earlier in the day. Everyone seemed to buy it.

“Alright, guys, let’s go!” Ryan yelled. “Jessica? Jessica?”

“She’s on her way,” I offered.

“Thanks,” Ryan snapped, he didn’t like thinking that a cast member knew more about what was going on than him on his own set. Jessica strolled down to the set effortlessly, we would wait on her all day if we had to. We were all about ready to film the scene when I overheard:

“Wait, Ryan. What is this, Evan?” She let her hand grace his neck gently and coyly asked, “Do you happen to have a little something extra on your plate?” She was referring to the hickeys I’d carelessly placed up and down Evan’s neck.

“Uh-h,” Evan stammered, his eyes darting for an answer.

“Oh, please,” Ryan butted in, “You’re 24, it’s to be expected. Alexia’s a little frisky is she not?”

“It’s – um – not from her.”

“Oh, what is this? It’s okay we all promise we won’t tell, right, guys?” I nodded as an uncontrollable reaction to the scene I lay witness to.

“No, I broke up with her. This is someone else.”

“And you don’t want to share who the mystery girl is?”

“No.”

“Fine then, I guess we should proceed with the scene, shall we?” Ryan returned to his usual pissy mood after being denied information. My palms were sweaty I felt the cusp of an anxiety attack amounting, but I did my best to stay cool.

“I guess we shall,” Jessica chimed in after sitting quiet for so long on the topic she’s first addressed.

“Action!” Ryan yelled.

——————————————————————————————————

Ryan’s loud call was ringing in my ears as I clenched my fists, hardly able to keep from screaming that it was I who engorged myself on Evan’s neck. That it was I who left tickling marks so deep the make-up team couldn’t cover them up. I heard Jessica belligerently reciting a monologue, I had time to think. But what to think about? There was nothing. Nothing to do but accept the fact that Evan and I would both have to keep our private lives a secret while on set.

I snapped back to reality, face to face with Evan: his eyes darted about left and right confusedly. I stood shocked in silence.

“Your line,” Evan muttered through a slit in the side of his mouth.

“Oh!” I exclaimed a bit too loud. Evan’s mumbling could have been easily cut out, but my exclamation was too much for Ryan to handle.

“Cut!” I heard him boom in his chair. “Well, I’m glad someone messed up because I had a few questions anyway.” Evan and I stared at one another unsure of what was to become of the inquiry. Other cast members looked around just as taken aback as we were.

Jessica spoke up, she was often used to speaking her mind, “Yes, Ryan? What is it?”

“I am awfully interested in just who the maker of these marks is, Evan.” Oh god, this again. I didn’t know how much more of it I could take. My nails were already cutting into the palms of my hands where they had been folded over for so long. Why did Ryan care? What would he do about it even if he found out?

“I tend not to kiss and tell,” Evan replied politely.

“Okay,” Ryan chuckled, “but if we guess it right you’ll tell us.” By now everyone else sitting around the set, interested. Now there was a bit of drama, a bit of intrigue and no one was going to shy away.

“Umm,” Evan glanced all around at everyone and their beckoning eyes. Finally he looked at me, biting my nails, and I tried to telepathically send him, “NO! Just say no! They can’t make you do anything!” Apparently the telepathic wave lines were down, for Evan’s next words were, “Sure, I guess.” Ryan was the first to venture a guess:

“I know. It’s Alex. That’s why she’s been avoiding you all day on set. I knew when I signed you both on things would rekindle,” he winked.

“Ha! You’re kidding, right?” Alex laughed playfully. “Definitely not me. But I have a guess. Aly Michalka? You know, from Disney days?”

“Wow,” Evan opened his eyes wide, “No. Not her, but I haven’t thought about her in ages.”

“Damn,” Alex rolled her eyes. Connie and Jessica, the romantics they were, chimed in about how they still thought it was Alexia and that Evan was just lying.

“No, really, I told you guys, not her.”

“Au contraire,” Dylan spoke up, wagging his finger at Jessica and Connie. “I know exactly who it is.” I shut my eyes hard, knowing he’d seen Evan go in my trailer. This was it. Outed, and in front of everyone.

“Yeah…?” Evan mumbled.

“It’s no one. I mean no one we know. He’s clearly gone through a break-up and then he went to a bar and his youth and looks got him in the pants of the first girl he saw. Am I right or am I right?” Dylan smiled. I breathed a sigh of relief. Evan laughed loudly.

“How did you know?” He asked with nonchalance and ease.

“Look, I’ve been a 24 year old guy. I know what it feels like, and mainly it feels like a lot of hormones. Not to mention, ‘I’m on a TV show’ is pretty much the best pick-up line there is.” More laughter all around.

“Damn, Dylan, spot on. I was starting to think you all thought I was fucking mushy.”

“Nah, just horny,” Dylan resided over Evan in a fatherly manner and placed his hand on his back and let out a big hearty chuckle.

Everyone was doubled over in laughter making good natured, but backhanded, comments such as, “Oh, of course!” “What were we thinking!” “All he thinks about is sex!” and a particular comment from Alex that stood out amidst her hysterics, “I told you!”

I stood there, the outsider, forcing myself to crack a smile. I felt like I was going to vomit. I told Ryan that I had to go to the bathroom. He found time to nod through his giddy behavior. I ran off set storming to my trailer holding back tears. Why are you so emotional? I questioned myself. What was so bad that happened? Control yourself. I had my own internal struggle. I knew there was nothing to be so upset about, and yet I couldn’t help wonder why no one had suggested my name. Was it too much of a reach of reality? Was it so unlikely that my name wasn’t even thrown into the mix? Why? The thoughts uncontrollably poured into my head Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not famous enough. Not enough like Alexandra. Not enough like Alexia. An outcast. Not good enough. The unworthiness was staring me down, and I had nowhere to run, no place to escape. My internal demons were demanding to be faced. I’d never questioned myself like this before. I’d never felt so unworthy. So incapable, so incompatible.

I returned from my “bathroom break” no better than I’d left. Everyone still had smirks on their faces as I went to my mark, sulking. I finished the day unhappy and avoiding Evan.

*****************************************************************************

I grabbed my purse and script and headed out of my trailer greeted by Evan’s car. Opening the car door, I saw Evan was still living in his high from the moment earlier. His smile was bright and his ego was grand.

“Were you nervous?” He asked.

“Yes, weren’t you?”

“Not really. I had it under control, didn’t I?” His cockiness mixed with his smile was a deadly combination, so difficult to ignore. But I couldn’t let myself at him because I didn’t feel deserving. How could he want someone like me. I was virtually silent the whole car ride as Evan blasted the radio banging his hands on the steering wheel pretending he was a drummer.

As soon as we got into his apartment I went to the bathroom. I lifted up my shirt halfway to examine my body. I’d never felt this way about myself, about my weight. I thought everything was fine, normal, but for the first time ever I pinched at any excess skin, grimacing. It wasn’t a hard decision. If I were to continue seeing Evan, I would have to become good enough for him.

I paraded out of the bathroom and promptly asked:

“Can I have the key to your building’s gym?” I’d walked past the gym a few times, it wasn’t much: a stairmaster, a few treadmills, some upper body equipment and some weights, but it was certainly enough for an inside gym.

“What?” Evan asked startled.

“Well, I haven’t been to a gym once since last Thursday.”

“So?” He asked confusedly.

“So, you want me to look good, right? Regardless, I want myself to look good, and I need to stay on my routine,” I did generally go to a gym, but I never had a rigid routine, until now when I decided to implement one.

“Umm, how long is it gonna take you? We only have, like, 3 hours together, you know.”

“I’ll only be 45 minutes, okay?”

“I guess…” Evan trailed off clearly unhappy that I was deciding to leave. He left the counter where he was snacking and fetched me the key. “Here. No later than 45 minutes, right?”

“Right, I promise.” I kissed him quickly on the cheek and ran to the ground floor.

*****************************************************************************

45 minutes later, and drenched in sweat, I returned to the apartment, feeling somewhat better about my looks.

“How was it, babe?” He questioned inquisitively.

“Great.”

“You’re soaking.”

“Yeah, that’s generally what happens when you work out,” I let the sarcasm slip.

“Okay, well, are you gonna come here?” Evan had a bowl of cereal in his left hand and the remote in the other.

“You just commented on how sweaty I am!” Now even I was noticing my moodiness.

“You want a shower?”

“That would be lovely.” Once I left the living room for the restroom, I ripped off my jean shorts and my lace cami which was plastered to my body, both items proved to be not quite effective exercise clothing. I stared at myself in the mirror once more. Reverting back to unhappier thoughts, I pinched once more at the skin left. Why had I expected instant results? I knew that wouldn’t happen. I just wanted to look my best for Evan, every time I looked at him he exuded beauty. Not to mention the weight loss change I’d noticed in him since we first met in the audition room to now filming. He knew how to keep up with Hollywood, why didn’t I?

Apparently I’d been silent for too long, for I heard a loud banging coming from the door.

“Are you okay in there? Do you need help getting the water on?”

“N-no, no. I’m fine. I-I just,” I stammered.

“You know it’s okay to ask for help. You haven’t been here that many times, and you’ve certainly never showered here, so don’t feel inadequate.” Perfect timing that he would choose to mention inadequacy at the exact moment I’d felt the most inadequate ever.

“Really. It’s fine. I don’t need help.” My moodiness struck again.

“Well, there’s no water running lemme help you–,” No warning, no nothing, but the door opening a faint scream from me rushing into the shower and pulling the curtain over my naked body.

“What the fuck?” I yelled.

“Why are you even hiding?” Evan laughed.

“Um, maybe because I don’t want you to see me!”

“Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I kind of already have seen those and that,” He laughed again.

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“Nothing mattered then. We were in the moment.”

“What the hell are you even talking about?”

“I was good enough then,” I mumbled shielding my face from Evan’s, still hiding behind the curtain.

“Who the fuck said you weren’t good enough now?”

“The cast. They didn’t even think it was a possibility I could be the one kissing you.”

“Hahaha, but it was you! Don’t you see?” Evan asked gently, I could hear his voice growing closer and closer to the shower.

“What?” I questioned ever so quietly.

“They didn’t suggest you because they thought you were too good for me.” My emotions always seemed to get the best of me when I listened to Evan talk. I made a small cooing noise, but then I heard rustling sounds. I peered out the side of the curtain and saw Evan undressing – and quickly. I couldn’t help but giggle when I saw him having difficulty lowering his boxers. He immediately looked up upon the sound of my laughter and chuckled himself. “I need help!”

“Come here!” I removed them with ease and let him hop into the shower right next to me. Evan grabbed my hips and wrapped his fingers around my stomach. He turned me around and gave me a kiss on my tummy and then on my forehead. Then he proceeded to turn around himself and rotate the handle.

His eyes said it all, he was proud of me, proud to have me, I felt worthy of him. I felt my self-conscious tendencies melt away as the warm water pounded down on my face, just the same as Evan’s.

——————————————————————————————————

It wasn’t long before I’d felt Evan’s obvious erection poke me from behind. I half expected it, and if it weren’t for Evan’s kind words only moments before I certainly would have refused. But after self-confidence was reinstated, I skipped the shampoo and swung my body around to face Evan. He gripped his hands on my face and bent down to kiss me. Water droplets hung from his lips as he opened them against mine. It wasn’t until we’d really began that I’d discovered the true difficulties of sex in the shower. We were more awkward than anything at the beginning.

First off, Evan was having troubling getting inside me, so I devised my own plan to help him out. I carefully placed my heel on the ledge of the tub with the shower curtain on it. This allowed Evan to come in slower from underneath.

“Thanks,” I heard him utter with a sheepish grin.

“No problem, babe,” I managed to giggle before being ceased by Evan’s powerful lips. Once he was in me, the questions that ensued were ‘how to stay in,’ ‘how to thrust,’ and most importantly, ‘how to manage from slipping.’ The last one proved to be hardest, for I nearly fell on my ass four times amidst our act, but somehow Evan managed to catch me and pull me back up. As for the first to issues that ensnared our desires were solved by Evan cunningly spinning me around and slamming me into the wall all the way behind the shower head where the water ends and above the faucet, all while maintaining an extreme amount of balance and keeping my leg up on the other ledge this time.

When I was first swung around, Evan took his hands down my shoulders and caressed every inch of my body until he’d got them down to my ass, which he gripped tightly. He was always an ass man. I let out a small shriek when he first pinched, but I was instantly calmed by the smooth, pelvic thrusts Evan was throwing into me. I threw my head back in ecstasy and every time he would let out just a bit, I would throw my head forward and gnaw at his lip, or jaw line, or shoulders, or neck, really anything I could get my teeth on, I bit playfully.

We gazed deep into one another’s eyes as he thrust ever so perfectly. I lost myself in the dark brown, almost a charcoal color, staring at his eyes was exhilarating. I wondered if he felt the same way about mine. Probably not. I thought. He probably has one main goal right about now. And with that I reminded myself that I had the exact same goal.

As his hands lay unmoving in the same spot as before, I rest my hands atop his head. His matted hair lay flat and clung to his scalp from the water. It was clear under the brutal bathroom lights and the dampening water that his brunette roots were coming through. I could barely tell that he was blonde at all in this setting. I liked it either way.

Evan’s thrusts became shaky and faster than before, he was good at giving evident signs of what was going on inside him without verbally expressing it. He was moving so fast I had to remove my left hand from his head and place it on the wall to keep myself from slipping. This proved to be ineffective as my hand slid down the wall anyhow. I felt Evan’s hands release and walk slowly up my thighs, across my stomach, and then finally he let them lay on my breasts as he broke eye contact with me and looked down, panting harder than before. I succumbed to my own orgasm and let out a sigh of, “Ahhh,” while my hand fell even more down the wall. Hardly anything was keeping me up anymore, but my sturdy right foot. Luckily for me, Evan’s thrust were nearing the end. He gave one final push to make sure both of us had succeeded in pleasure.

Evan removed himself, and released his firm grip on my breasts as I let my left foot come down from the ledge where it had been stagnant. We ran our hands up and down one another in a simultaneous cleaning to make sure the shower had not been futile and that we did indeed get all the sweat off. I pulled the shower curtain back to reveal the mirror completely condensed. I hopped out of the shower much more satisfied than I had been entering it, and I rushed to grab a towel to relieve myself from the shivering cold, but Evan took the towel off me and scooped me up into his arms. He left the bathroom and threw me on to the bed, which was not too far away, and jumped right in alongside of me. We slept side by side and awoke roughly an hour later to a completely soaked bed.

*****************************************************************************

Evan drove me home later in the night and I realized that I slept uneasily. I was more comfortable sleeping in Evan’s bed, next to him, rather than sleeping in my own bed, alone with no one to hold.

*****************************************************************************

Work the next day was normal, up until I overheard a conversation between Evan and someone on the other end of a phone call. I must admit, I felt guilty for eavesdropping, but I couldn’t help myself.

“Yeah, this weekend. Saturday would be great,” I heard Evan whisper into the phone. A paused ensued for the other speaker to supposedly clear Saturday or not. “Oh, really?! That would be excellent thank you so much.” Another pause. “Um, I don’t think too many people will be brought per se, but certainly after we let some of the locals in, I’m hoping for there to not be an empty seat in the house!” Evan exclaimed. Pause. “Well, thank you so much for your time, that is so great. Thanks again. Bye.” He clicked off the call and I whipped around and pretended to be walking in the opposite direction like I had just come up on him now.

“How are you?” I questioned trying to control my curiosity. After all, this was the first time in a long time, that I wasn’t really worried about what he was talking about. I wasn’t paranoid that it was for some other girl, I was confident and happy and proud of our relationship. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t help from being a little curious.

“I’m great, how are you doing?” He replied with a smirk on his face.

“Me too. Ryan sent me back here to get you for your scene.”

“Oh, shit, right. I almost forgot about it.”

“That’s why I’m here to remind you!” I smiled generously.

“And only you.”

“What?” I asked unsure of what he was referring to.

“It’s only you back here.”

“So?”

“So, I could maybe give you a kiss,” he bent down and traced his lips with mine.

“I guess maybe you could do that,” I said giggling.

“And maybe I could also tell you that I love you.”

“I love you, too. But seriously – you better get out there before Ryan gets pissed!”

“When does Ryan get pissed at me?” Evan asked in his cocky voice. It was true, though, Ryan never seemed to care much about Evan’s occasional forgetfulness of lines and/or blocking, but he was overly scrutinizing of my behavior constantly. It was just something I’d learned to accept.

“Pfft,” I uttered, rolling my eyes. Evan winked and walked away. I half jogged to my trailer and sat down in a chair, my brain scanning for possibilities about just what Evan was planning on the phone, when suddenly it hit me. He thought he was being so sneaky, when in fact it was quite obvious indeed! My 18^th birthday was arriving in a few weeks, he must have been planning something early to surprise me. I supposed it was a good plan and that I would have been surprised if Evan hadn’t carelessly made the phone call in a building where I also was, or if I hadn’t listened in on the conversation.

Regardless, I set my mind at ease and decided that, yes, that was the only possibility. And with this thought I began to get excited, I began to plan what I would wear. Oh thank god I heard! What the hell might I have shown up in if I didn’t know it was going to be a party!? I thought to myself. I pictured walking into the party, I assumed it would be at some club since Evan had mentioned ‘locals’,with a black cocktail dress and a deep purple belt with my hair curled and my arm hooked in Evan’s. My fantasy was short-lived as I thought quickly came to the realization that most likely people from the cast would be invited and that I would not be able to flaunt my newly non-single relationship status in front of them, or at least, just not with the certain person I’d chosen to be in a relationship with.

I sat for the greater part of the day in my trailer pondering the many outcomes of the night, one in which I got presents from strangers because somehow they knew how famous I was, even if the show had only aired one episode so far. In another scenario, Evan got drunk (this part was not specific to one outcome, it was in most, if not all) and exposed to the whole club that we were dating and everyone applauded and he kissed me like a sailor on leave in front of the whole crowd. The other half of the rest of the work day in my trailer was spent reading the script and memorizing lines and frantically waiting for Evan to return.

The day finally ended and Evan finally took me back to his apartment, but on the way he had upsetting news to share:

“I can only spend an hour with you today before I have to take you home. I have some – er – errands to run,” he lied.

“Ohhhkay,” I replied lengthily. Normally, I would be ticked, but since I was fairly sure of the “errands” he was referring to, I would make it. Plus I still had an hour with him.

*****************************************************************************

The week had gone by uneventfully and I had yet to ask Evan just exactly what he was discussing on the phone, which I was immensely proud of myself for. It wasn’t until Friday after work at Evan’s place that I was starting to get antsy for him to tell me, and even a bit nervous that my suspicions were false.

“Babe?” I called from the couch to the kitchen.

“Yeah? You want something from here?”

“Nah, I’m alright.”

“What is it then?”

“Do you have any plans this weekend?” I asked as nonchalantly as possible.

“Uhh, yeah I was thinking of going to this thing tomorrow.”

“What thing?”

“Um, you know, I don’t really know what it is, just some meeting or something, you wanna come?” It was clear to me now based on his vague and relatively incompetent answers that I had speculated correctly. And I didn’t care to see his suffer through the facade any longer, so:

“Ev, I heard you on the phone earlier this week, I know you planned a birthday party for me.” A moment of panic crossed his face, followed by one of failure.

“How did you know?” He asked disappointedly.

“I had a hunch, considering just how sweet you are,” I smiled, trying to cheer away the glum.

“Well you are fucking smart I’ll give you that,” I was glad he didn’t question the eavesdropping.

“So tell me what’s going on!” I had found my way to the kitchen now and I was practically bouncing up and down.

“Well, it was supposed to be a surprise, for starters, but basically I invited some of the cast, and a couple of your friends from your phone contacts,” it was now apparent why he had not judged my for snooping because he had dug through my phone, but it was for a good cause, so I didn’t mind, “and we’re just going to an 18+ club, and I figured we would let locals in to, so it’s a real party. Big.”

“Ahhh!” I squealed out of excitement. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek passionately. “That sounds amazing! It’s better I know this way because now I can plan.”

“Sure, hahaha. But you know this means that we can’t ‘go together’,” he put air quotes around go together and it was apparent why.

“Yeah, I know, but we can still have fun,” I smiled.

“Of course.”

——————————————————————————————————

And with that, I kissed Evan firmly as if to soften him up before I asked my favor:

“Will you take me home early so I can get my dress picked out, please?” I begged with pleading eyes.

“How long is that really going to take you? The party isn’t even until tomorrow,” he commented unknowingly.

“You don’t understand. You can throw something on tomorrow fifteen minutes before we leave, no problem, but I need my outfit now,” I stressed the last word accordingly, making my point known as well as my moodiness, perhaps I would take a nap as well when I got home.

“Fine,” he muttered accompanied by an eye roll.

We walked down the stairs, and Evan’s car puttered down the road.

In a short while he pulled into my driveway.

“Can I help you pick out your dress?”

“Ha!” I smirked, “Like you’d really want to help me with that.”

“No, really, I want to!” He did seem overly excited. I was suspicious.

“Nah, it’s okay, it’ll be very boring. Very girly,” I knew this would scare him away. I wasn’t sure why I wanted him off my case so much, I felt like my temper was short and all I wanted was a meal, a nap, and a killer outfit.

“Fine, I guess I have some loose ends to tie up surrounding the party anyhow,” he said as if trying to pretend he never wanted to accompany me in the first place.

“Alright!” I kissed him.

“When will I see you tomorrow?”

“I don’t know, when do you need to pick me up?”

“Well the party is not until nine thirty, but I can see you earlier, right?”

“Maybe, I don’t know,” my aloof behavior was subtle, but unusual, and it was apparent to me.

“Okay,” Evan muttered, a little put off.

“I love you,” I said smiling sweetly trying to cheer him up.

“I love you too,” he smiled. It was only a mere three words to make his face brighten up. I left the car and waved him goodbye yelling, “I’ll see you tomorrow! I’m excited!” as he drove away. I meandered along the cobblestone pathway and entered the front door and immediately plopped on the couch. It was only 4, I’d barely worked and yet for some reason I was incredibly tired. Why I didn’t let myself nap at Evan’s was also a bit out of the ordinary, but I shrugged it off and slept happily.

*****************************************************************************

I awoke at 6:30 and just after stuffing my face with everything in sight, I walked to my closet and opened the door. A myriad grays and dark purples and blacks and deep indigos hit me like an indelible sunset. I rummaged through hangers and shelves, but I conquered them all when I had finally removed every dress I owned out of the wretched-moth-ball-smelling closet. I organized them into piles of short sleeve and long sleeve and sleeveless, I tried them on prancing around my room like Tinkerbell stopping every five seconds to peer into a mirror to see just how well it fit. Most of them looked too formal. I was hoping to have a nice fun time with my friends celebrating the moment I would be deemed ‘an adult’ by the rest of society. Unfortunately, I felt none of the dresses I owned were right for the occasion, nothing I tried on really screamed “You’re going to have a GREAT time in this!” Rather, everything made me feel too old and of course, inadequate. Some of the dresses grabbed my skin in the wrong way; too tight here, too loose there, I never looked in the mirror and saw myself, or what I wanted to look like anyway. So, instead of realizing how pathetic I was acting, I mindlessly wandered over to my laptop and google searched “club dresses.” I was astounded by the results. Everything was short, all the women were beautiful, all the colors were bright: reds, yellows, blues. For an instant I wanted them all, I wanted to look like every woman in the picture, Those are women Evan would like to fuck, I am sure, the demon inside made its presence known. But quicker than before were the thoughts resolved, No, you are Evan’s. Whether people know it or not tomorrow, it is the truth. I recalled his hands on me earlier in the week. How smooth we were in our movements in the shower, how he caressed me and loved me and ceased me from having a meltdown in his bathroom. I was done with the insecurity. It was beneath me, Evan loved me and I loved him.

With that, I slammed my laptop closed and marched back to my room. I dug through my newly created piles to find the dress I’d been thinking of. A black halter dress with gold streaks crossing the straps in the back, it rested mid-thigh and when paired with black heels and small diamond studs, I was more than pleased with my appearance.

I got it! And it only took me ninety minutes ;)

I texted Evan after ridding my bed of excess clothes and spreading my outfit out on my desk as if displaying it as a trophy I’d won.

Haha good I’m glad you’re excited. He texted back slower than usual.

Aren’t you? I asked trying to keep the conversation along, it was only eight and I’d just slept for two and a half hours, there was no way I was going to be able to get to sleep.

Sure His reply was awfully indifferent.

You’re not? How come? Are you okay? I asked inquisitively.

Lol yeah I just said sure. We were texting faster now, as if we were speaking, but of course not quite, there was hardly anything that could replace actual physical connection with Evan.

You just seem a little mellow…

Idk you seemed like you wanted to get rid of me today.

No way! No, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to idk what was up, I think I was just tired.

Ok I think I am too. Although thankful he had refrained from making some sick period joke, I was confused as to why he was still being so distant. I’d apologized. What more did he want?

Umm it’s 8

Yeah, well, I’m tired…we have a big day tomorrow

So you’re going to bed?

Yeah His callousness was more than I wished to bear.

Okay so I’ll see you tomorrow I guess

Goodnight

Night

I threw the phone further down the bed and grabbed a book to keep my mind from racing. I didn’t want to think about why he was acting so pissy. Alone and feeling insecure I crawled under the covers and read until my eyes were heavy. Hopefully tomorrow things will be better, I tried to comfort myself.

******************************************************************************

I hadn’t fallen asleep until some time after two in the morning, so naturally I didn’t wake up until half past one. Groggily, I searched through the comforters and sheets hoping my hand would find my phone. After some struggle I grabbed it unsure of whether or not I wanted there to be messages waiting for me. Evan and I hadn’t ended on good terms the night earlier – who knew what he could’ve said?

To my surprise there were two missed calls and five new text messages from him:

Hey can we talk?

When are you coming over?

I didn’t mean to be rude last night, can you come over?

Are you avoiding me?

And the last one hit me with the greatest comfort of all:

Look I’m sorry can we please talk?

Now it was Evan’s turn to come off needy. I wasn’t necessarily proud of this fact, but it was a fact nonetheless and I chose to acknowledge it. Hurriedly I hopped in the shower and threw a new outfit on and ran out the door.

Hey I didn’t wake up until just now, I’m coming over.

I didn’t bother asking if he was okay with it, he seemed like he would be pretty okay with any contact with me and so I rode the bus to his house, something that had become fairly routine for me.

The bus was silent the whole ride, something odd seeing as it was midday on a Saturday, but the silence stopped when I exited and I heard my phone beep.

Ok how far away are you?

I’m right outside – coming up now.

I casually jogged up the stairs glad he was missing me because the truth was that I was missing him dearly too. It’s difficult to explain to someone that’s never really been in love, and I was sure now that that’s what Evan and I had, not some flimsy over-infatuation, no. This was love and I was sure of it, and being apart from Evan, my love, was difficult even in small increments of time.

My mind ceased as I neared the beckoning door. I didn’t bother knocking, I simply walked in, I knew he didn’t keep the door locked, and I was too impatient to wait. He didn’t bother asking who it was either, he just leapt off the couch and came to greet me with an overwhelming hug. His arms were so wide and his fingers so long and my stature relatively small it felt as if he could wrap himself around me twice. It was inviting though, and I returned every bit of love. He released his tight grip and kissed me.

“How are you?” I asked.

“I’m sorry,” he replied in complete disregard of my question. I laughed at his apparent stress over something I knew would blow over.

“I know, love,” I smiled, “Me too, yesterday was just a bad day, we were both a little cranky, hahaha.”

“Good, I’m glad we’re past that, I couldn’t stand the thought of you being mad at me.”

“I could say the same!” We both laughed.

“Well, I woke up early this morning and I’ve been hovering over the phone for hours, I’m really fucking tired now,” he said much to my displeasure, I was hoping we would be able to spend some quality time together before the party.

“Haha,” I put on a fake smile, “that’s funny, I was up all night fretting you were mad at me, so I’m wide awake, but you go take a nap. I’ll just watch some TV or something.”

“Okay, thank you,” he spun around toward his bedroom, but not before flashing me a witty smile, “This is the first time you’ll be in my house, alone.”

“I’m not alone!” I called out, but even his shadow had succumbed to the darkness of his room, he never opened the curtains. I realized I was kind of alone, he would be physically there, yes, but he would be unconscious. This would be a true test of how comfortable I could be in my boyfriend’s home. It was still a little unnerving and awkward to call him my boyfriend.

The next few hours were no great feat like I’d imagined. I didn’t really have to prove anything to myself about how I was a good enough, or rather equipped and prepared enough girlfriend to succeed in Evan’s house, it wasn’t hard to navigate. There was a TV and a couch where I spent most of the time, and the kitchen where I went to get food once. Nonetheless I prided myself on living in Evan’s house without Evan.

“Hey, babe, how are you?” Evan asked amidst a yawn, he’d slept for five hours. Who sleeps for five hours during a nap, HOW? I asked myself, but not Evan.

“I’m great, how are you?”

“Rested.”

“Good, so now tell me a little bit about this birthday party of mine,” I winked and patted the couch motioning for him to come closer.

“Well, it’s going to be amazing, Alex, Kate, Michael, everyone else from the cast…”

“Everyone?” I asked a bit concerned, as much as I loved and respected Jessica there was no way I wanted her at my eighteenth birthday party – at a club. She was more like a mother figure to me, or rather a grandmother figure.

“Hahaha, relax, no Dylan or Connie or Jessica or Frances,” I breathed a sigh of relief, “plus some crew members and a few of your friends. Plus all the locals,” he smiled, I knew that’s what would make the party fun, a bunch of random drunk people dancing, having a good time, helping me welcome my new adult status.

“Fuck!” I exclaimed upon realizing Evan had forgotten a crucial detail.

“What?”

“It’s an eighteen an older club, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not fucking eighteen for two weeks! How are they going to let me in?”

“They all think it’s your birthday! They think it’s today – they think you are eighteen, don’t worry, you’re the last person they’re going to question.” Yet another exhale full of relief escaped my lips.

“Phew, I was worried I wasn’t going to be let into my own party,” I chuckled.

“Stop worrying! You worry too much, you know? Everything’s going to be great. You’re going to have the best night of your life,” Evan assured, his comforting words enveloped me like the safe haven I’d always craved.

“Okay, okay, thank you,” I pecked him on the cheek.

“You’re so welcome,” he grinned, “So tell me where do you want to go out for dinner? There’s no way you’re going to the club on an empty stomach.”

“I don’t care, you pick, but you better get dressed before we leave because I need to stop by my place so I can pick up my dress and curl my hair.”

“How long is it going to take you to curl your hair?” Evan grumbled, he wasn’t one for primping. “Not long, like, twenty minutes.”

“Well let me drop you off now so I can take a shower and get ready while you are.”

“Fine,” I didn’t want to hassle him, it was such a pain being so close yet so far away.

*****************************************************************************

After two trips out to my house and an exclamation of, “Wow. You look gorgeous,” and a curled-hair flip of mine in reply and an excellent dinner, the time had arrived. We sat outside the club in the car waiting for the clock to strike nine-thirty. We couldn’t show up early otherwise it wouldn’t be much of a surprise party, all the guests would know that Evan had told me.

“Ready?” He asked politely.

“Of course,” Evan walked around the side of the car and graciously opened the door and took my hand. It reminded me of the time on set when he’d lifted me off the beach, I loved the feeling of my small hand in his. Evan gently placed a blindfold on me to fool everyone thinking that I didn’t know where I was. Gracefully Evan headed me in the right direction and opened a door. The heat of the club hit me instantly, it felt like there were a lot of people in the room.

“Can you take off the blindfold now?” I asked innocently playing along with the game

“Yes,” I felt his long fingers trace the back of my neck as he undid the simple knot.

“SURPRISE!” The sound of the many people ricocheted off the walls of the club sparking a dull echo; the loud noise rung in my ears.

“Ahh!” I jumped back actually startled at the size of the club and at the number of people.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” They screamed again as I walked down the stairs to the center of the club.

“Thank you!” I called out as loudly as I could, my voice was no match for the hundreds of theirs. Then there was an awkward silence, as cheesy as it was, I didn’t know what else to say to keep all of these people from waiting on me, “Let’s get this party started!” They all cheered and I pointed to the DJ who began to play music. And it was off.

“I’m gonna go get a drink!” Evan yelled, even so I could barely hear him.

“Okay! I’m gonna wait here by this table!” I screamed right back while pointing to the exact table I planned to wait at for him.

“No! Go! Have fun! You’re eighteen!” He winked and I realized that I couldn’t be seen too much with him anyway, it was already a but suspicious that he was the one to take me here, so I ran off. It was clear the people were already intoxicated and none of them really knew who I was except for my brief entrance. I danced and bumped into people, but no one really knew it was my birthday, that I was the reason they were there, but I didn’t let myself get too arrogant about it all, I was there to have a good time. End of story.

So I danced. And I danced. And kept dancing, twirling my dress and pushing down on my heels as I squatted to the floor and back up again, I put my hands in the air and sang along to all the songs, cheering the whole night. The music blared, the lights flashed, I bumped into Evan again who was carrying more than one drink.

“Here!” He yelled holding out a beer for me.

“NO!” I yelled.

“Yeah! Come on! Let loose!” Obviously he was having a good time, but I was still awfully reluctant to take the drink, but then he smiled and those goddamn ever-persuading dimples of his showed and I couldn’t help but release my hand from its locked position at my side and take it. Evan mouthed, “Love you” and walked away. I downed the beer pretty quickly and more than anything I’d realized that I wasn’t even ashamed. This is your party! Live a little, who gives a shit? It’s booze. And with that a diminutive waiter walked by carrying a tray of shots and a grabbed one in each hand and drank them easily, This is your night to be careless, fuck the world, this is for yourself.

After the fifth or sixth shot I tripped over myself right into a some guy’s lap. I felt my face get red, it was already hot in the club, the heat of embarrassment was not making anything any easier.

“I’m so sorry,” I apologized and tried to walk away, the odds that I would run into the same guy were slim so I kept moving hoping not to relive the moment of shame any longer or ever again.

“Wait!” The guy grabbed my arm. Normally I would have been appalled, but I couldn’t help but get dragged back into his vicinity, I was wasted, I barely knew where I was. “It’s okay, are you alright? You took a pretty nasty fall there,” The man commented, we both laughed, he was cute. He had dark brown – almost black – hair with matching eyes and an unforgettable smile.

“Yeah, I’m alright, thanks,” I thought that would be all, I tried to be on my way, but I was called back again.

“My name’s Mark!” I heard him yell.

“Hi…Mark,” I called out, spinning around, I hesitated before giving my name because I thought it was a bad idea, my name was plastered everywhere around the club, I didn’t want him to know I was eighteen and had been drinking or that all of this was for me.

“What are you doing here?” He asked inquisitively.

“Just dancing…and falling apparently,” he laughed once more, his chuckle was more than contagious, it was uplifting, I immediately felt happier when I heard him laugh. “What about yourself?”

“Just dancing…getting spilled on apparently,” He meant no harm, but I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed again when I saw that I had spilled what was left of my drink onto his lap.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I’m really not this clumsy.”

“It’s quite alright,” Mark started walking toward me, all the while people continued to dance and scream around us. “You look exceptionally beautiful.” I blushed once more, I couldn’t help it. His words were appealing and the sort of seduction that lay on his lips was fascinating, the lust in me was growing I could feel it.

“Hahaha, thanks, everyone looks good here tonight!” I said trying to avoid staring at his mouth and change the subject.

“No, not everyone,” Mark pointed to a guy in the corner who hadn’t bothered to change out of a crummy graphic tee and jean shorts, how he got past the bouncer I will never know.

“Hahahaha,” I laughed, “Okay, sure, I look better than one person in here. You got me.”

“No, stop, you’re incredibly gorgeous,” he was right on top of me now, he took a silky finger and swept a curl out of my face. I laughed nervously, unsure of how to respond.

“Umm, I don’t know what to say,” I replied honestly.

“Nothing at all,” he bent down and touched his lips to mine. I did nothing to stop it, in fact I kissed back a little bit. He retreated and I looked at him awestricken. “Come with me.” He took my hand and started to make our way through the crowd.

“Wait–,” I tried to protest.

“No, just come with me.” His persuasion was too much, I set my shot glass down by the nearest table and followed in his path. He led me to a back part of the club outside the restrooms, we didn’t dare go in them though, they were putrid. I thought we were far enough away no one could see, so when he kissed me again for the second time, I kissed back, harder. Mark lifted me up by my thighs and rammed me into the wall so far up that he had to look up to be able to kiss me. He gnawed on my lip and subconsciously it seemed, for I wasn’t completely sure how it got there, my hand ran up his thigh to his more obvious bulge. I squeezed and he moaned in my mouth. Mark started to lift the halter straps of my dress over my head, I released my lips from his and let him do so. My strapless bra was no showing. He took no time at all lowering it and allowing himself to indulge himself with my breasts. He ravenously kissed and bit at them I felt a groan escape my mouth, I had my left hand in his hair tugging, and my right hand playing with the fully erect tent in his pants. With his face buried in my chest, he supported me with his right hand and let his left crawl up my thighs under my dress until his cold fingers hit the outline of my panties. Mark carefully massaged his index finger up and down the thin layer of cloth separating my clit from his flesh. He wasn’t even touching me and yet I was hornier than I’d been in a long while. He left my breasts alone to hit the cold air a moment as he let me slide down the wall to unzip his pants. He shoved his underwear down and let his manhood be revealed in public. The fact that it was all in the realm of many other people made it all the more worthwhile. Mark slid my silky underwear down my thighs and lifted me back up. He kissed me once more and nibbled on my ear before he tried to enter.

“This is wrong,” I whispered next to his temple.

“No, sh, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is, I’m sorry, I have to stop,” I said growing more aware of the situation. I didn’t like his slimy tongue in my mouth or his grisly teeth on my ear, I didn’t want him anywhere near any part of me, let alone the most delicate. I hated his slicked back hair and his penis was much tinier than his pants had let on. But the worst part about him was the sudden realization that he was not Evan.

“You can’t stop now. C’mon, you know you’re into this.” His voice wasn’t charming anymore, I felt nothing but distaste for this man now.

“No, I’m not. I’m sorry for stringing you along. Please stop.”

“Where are you going to go, sweetheart? No one is going to hear you scream with the music playing so loudly,” He grinned evilly, nothing about his smile was contagious or uplifting any longer, it was devilish and scary. I wanted to cry. I wanted Evan.

“Stop it! GET OFF ME! STOP!” I started yelling and thrashing about to at least prolong his entrance. He pinned my right hand to the wall with his left, all the while holding me up with his right. I spit in his face and I tried to bite him anytime his face got closer to mine. With my free hand I reached down and dug my nails into his balls. That was enough, he immediately released me and I shimmied back into my underwear as I watched Mark fall in pain clutching his crotch with both hands.

“No one is going to hear you scream,” I yelled and ran back into the crowd. I looked everywhere for Evan; all I wanted to do was run into his welcoming arms and fall fast asleep by his side.

——————————————————————————————————

Frantically I raced down the hallway, not looking back. I searched for Evan, but he was nowhere to be found. I sat down at a table and after downing a few more shots my mind couldn’t help but recall the encounter I’d just endured. I cheated. End of story. What will Evan say? Oh my god, oh my god. I’m a terrible person. I’m a fucking terrible person. The rest of the night was spent something like that tearing myself down repeatedly and repetitively. A few moments I would take a break from the mental torment to scan the crowd seeing if Evan was visible.

The night had turned to complete shit. I had arrived with my boyfriend, happy, partying, dancing, excited and I had ended up cheating, nearly sexually abused, and boyfriend-less. That was a lot to handle in a matter of hours. As the club began to clear out, I thought for sure Evan would be looking for me or wandering aimlessly or passed out in the middle of the dance floor. To be honest, I thought the last was most likely, the little I’d seen of him he was quite intoxicated and continually drinking. I didn’t really mind, though, I just wanted to find him, whatever condition he may have been in. But, much to my dismay, as the crowd lessened, I couldn’t find a damn person I knew, let alone Evan.

I sat on my barstool until I was the very last person in the club. No one else was around except for a few busboys cleaning up, and a young bartender. He meandered down the bar around to where I was seated and stated, 

“You know, we’re closing in a few.”

“Ha! Thanks, that’s just what I needed to hear now,” I let the snarky remark escape my lips. I had little to no filter while I was drunk. I was surprised I was even conscious.

“Sorry,” the man seemed genuinely upset he’d offended me, “I didn’t know what else to say.”

“I know,” I replied gently, assuring him I wasn’t one to hold petty grudges, “I’m just a little drunk.” I whispered the last word very quietly, hoping that the decibel I spoke it at would make it somehow a little less true.

“I sort of figured.”

“Oh, and what’s that supposed to mean? Do I seem like the type to you? Do I seem like the type of girl who goes out and gets wasted and gets left alone at bars? Am I that unattractive to you?” Mother of god, I was on a roll. I couldn’t stop myself from the angry-drunk-ranting. I didn’t mean a single word of it. It just slipped out.

“Oh, no!” The man exclaimed, he couldn’t have been any older than twenty-two by the looks of his college apparel. “I just…,” he couldn’t seem to find a way to reply. “First of all, you’re not unattractive, I’m just only used to drunk chicks walking around here. As for being left alone…I’d like to talk to the fool who thought that was a good idea.” 

“Man, I’m sorry, I don’t really have control of what I’m saying now. You’re sweet,” I smiled, I needed the compliment after the hellish night I’d gone through.

“So what’s your story then?” Curiosity lingered in his eyes. 

“Believe it or not, this was my birthday bash.” He looked astounded. 

“Oh, I never would have guessed…,”

“Guessed what?”

“I don’t know…your age first of all,” he smirked now aware that I was wasted and eighteen, not even, but he didn’t know that part. “And tell me who the fuck leaves a girl alone on her birthday?”

“That’s sort of the same thing I was thinking…,” I trailed off. 

“A guy?” He asked, knowingly.

“Of course,” I rolled my eyes and laughed at how foolish I was acting. Sitting alone at a bar at god knows what time talking to a complete stranger about how my life was a silly sham. I suddenly began delving into everything: how I didn’t have any real friends; I hadn’t for a really long time since I’d always been a loner in school, pursuing whatever the fuck I wanted to as opposed to what everyone expected of a young girl. How I got into acting, how I never wanted to leave it even though work friends didn’t compare to real friends, how I had a shit time expressing myself to people, but all in the course of one night I was on the verge of losing the only person I’d ever really let in because of a drunken mistake.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I don’t even know where that came from…,”

“It’s okay.”

“No, really, I am clearly not equipped to handle my fucking being wasted. I don’t even know your name and I just told you my life story.”

“I’m Steve.”

“Haha,” I chuckled, “You’re not making it any better. I’m really sorry, do you know what the fuck time it is?”

“It’s coming up 2:30.”

“Shit. I gotta find a fucking cab.”

“I could give you a ride home?” Steve offered politely. He was a good guy, it was apparent by the way he’d allowed me to ramble on, a drunk teenager, and he’d not only offered a listening ear, but some good advice. But I couldn’t help replaying the night’s earlier events in my head. I just didn’t think I could live with myself if I’d accepted a ride home from a stranger directly after making out with one.

“I’m sorry, I’m just gonna call a cab, thank you anyway. Thanks a lot for everything tonight…it felt really good to get that all off my chest.”

“No problems, I totally get it,” he smiled.

“You know what, though?” I asked trying to brighten the mood, “I’m totally gonna keep this club in mind for any party or night out I have planned in the future.” My gesture was far less than I had hoped it to be.

“Yeah, okay, cool, maybe I’ll see you around then,” he grinned and offered to call a cab for me, I graciously told him he’d done enough and walked out. He had been my drunken therapist for the night, and there wasn’t much more to it, or any way to repay him.

I walked out of the club half-expecting Evan to be sitting in his car ready to take me home, but somewhere deep down I knew that he wasn’t going to be there. But I was surprised to see that his car was gone. I was at least assuming that he’d been so wasted that he wouldn’t drive home. I suppose I’d been wrong about a lot of things that night, why would anything begin to change?

I waited ten minutes for a cab to arrive and was lucky to have just enough money to make it home. Within seconds of getting home, I passed out, dress and makeup still on.

*****************************************************************************

“Euuuugghhhhh,” I awoke groggily to a splitting headache. I barely made it to the bathroom before I had sufficient proof that my body was rejecting all the alcohol I had taken in the night prior. I threw up multiple times, and if that wasn’t enough I looked at myself in the mirror to see mascara running down my face, blush and eyeshadow smeared, with what looked like clown lipstick. My hair was everywhere, my breath reeked, and worst of all I could barely remember the events that had taken place last night.

As soon as I became acceptable looking and brushed my teeth, I grabbed my phone hoping that someone had called or texted to let me know just how the hell last night had played out. Try to remember, I told myself. What the hell happened? Let’s take it step by step. You arrived with Evan…danced…started drinking, a lot of drinking, I mentally scolded myself for that one, but that was all I could seem to recall. Once I had started pounding back shot after shot my memory had ceased to work. I refused to let it stress me out, instead I tried calling Evan, after he didn’t pick up I tried calling a few more times followed by a series of texts. 

The pain in my head was overwhelming and I figured there was no way I was ever going to remember anything with my skull throbbing. I slept for a few more hours and got up and out of bed and poured myself a bowl of Lucky Charms, only to stop eating halfway through upon the realization of the encounter(s) I’d had. Everything flooded back, and fast. All the regret, all the stupidity. Oh my fuck. Oh FUCK. What was his name? Damnit. Why the fuck does it even matter? Oh shit. Mark! That was it. Fuck… Did Evan still take me home? And then of course I remembered Steve and the fact that Evan was MIA. I tried my phone again: nothing. I was starting to get worried then. However sure Mark or I were of being out of the way of anyone seeing us I was genuinely worried Evan was avoiding me because he’d somehow seen me. 

I wasn’t going to beat around the bush any longer. If he wanted to act childish and ignore me, that was his own burden, but I was going to take action. If he had seen or if he hadn’t the, either way, the subject needed to be brought up and discussed. And with that I decided it was best to go to his apartment and talk with him face-to-face.

I tried to come up with a speech on the way over, I had a few different versions. There was the “taking the offensive when you no have right to” which went a little something like: Where the hell have you been? You think you can just take me to some club and leave me there and then not return my calls the next day? What the hell is this? I couldn’t even remember how I’d gotten home. You brought me there and you just LEFT me. What the fuck?! And then of course there was the “oh my god please just forgive me” which goes: I’m so sorry I don’t even know what I was thinking I just I’m so so sorry, please just forgive me, I love you. I love you okay. I just had a moment of weakness I’m so sorry I love you I’M SORRY. It’s essential that tears be paired with that argument. Neither argument seemed quite valid and I tried a mixture of both, but that only made me sound like I had bipolar disorder. So when I got off the bus and made my way up to meet with him and get it all off my chest, I had nothing prepared. I had no idea what to say, or even worse how he would react! I hadn’t even thought about the different outcomes: forgiving, confused, rageful…

I calmed myself down and just put a wall up expecting the worst. If you imagine the worst, anything that happens will seem okay. I reassured myself so I pictured a scenario that I knew would never happen. I saw me explaining everything calmly while Evan yelled and threw things and told me to leave. That’s obviously never going to happen, but that’s the worst! So now whatever happens – you’re set. You can handle it. I sure knew how to give myself a pep-talk. 

I knocked on the door, I didn’t feel comfortable just letting myself in this time, things were different now, it was my fault. The door flew open and a familiar face greeted mine, but it wasn’t Evan’s. 

“Oh my god, hi!” she exclaimed. Oh my god is right.  You were wrong. Oh my fucking god you were so wrong. You didn’t picture the worst thing at all. Look at how far off you were. 

“Hi,” I mumbled back feebly, I was frozen. My face was contorted, I could feel it. I didn’t know how to act in this situation. Everything was so backwards. I saw Evan walking around shirtless in the background, he didn’t seem to notice that anyone was at the door, even less that it was me.

“So, what’s up?” She brushed a bright red curl from her face. 

It was Alex. 

Well this ought to make for a fucking lovely work space, I sarcastically thought to myself.  

——————————————————————————————-

I closed my eyes for a minute and thought about possible scenarios. The only one that seemed plausible was the obvious. Alex was attractive, there was no doubting that; Evan was shirtless, that was a fact; Evan had been drunk, yet another fact. Everything had added up and I knew the truth. Not that Alex knew the truth about Evan and I, or her reaction would have been much more grandiose. 

I was shell shocked. I didn’t know what to do. 

“Heee-y?” Alex called out waving a hand in front of my face trying to gauge my attention. I kept my blank stare. I was aware of her action, but I didn’t know how to combat it. A part of me wanted to burst into tears. There was surely no way I could compete with their history, nor her looks. I wanted to tell her about Evan and I, to barge into the room and take my rage out on him physically. I didn’t have enough strength mentally, though. Alex repeated herself, clearly agitated now. If I continued my unresponsiveness the door surely would have been shut in my face.

“I, er, um, sorry, I, uh, have to go, sorry, um,” I got out as much as I could and shamed by my own incoherence, I ran off, the fragile little girl I was. 

I didn’t think the rest of the day, I didn’t speculate, I didn’t condemn myself or Evan, I simply crawled into bed and blasted music until I fell calmly asleep. 

Sunday was the same, barely eating, I cried a little, but that was only after I’d really thought things over. I knew what had happened. There was no denying it, but I only thought of where to go now. I made a sort of competition for myself. It didn’t blow over too well. “Okay, let’s be logical about this,” I thought. I got out a piece of paper and drew myself a little T-chart. “Looks, ha, that’s an easy one, tick mark Alex. Intelligence, eh, probably Alex again.” I made another tick next to her name; the marks next to ‘Alex’ kept piling up after: compatibility, age, talent, humor, generosity and of course being laid-back. Alex would never dare make a list like this, she just didn’t seem to care about anything, she was too cool for it, so much better.

The competition left me in tears and I sulked alone for the rest of the night. Not a word from Evan.

*****************************************************************************

Dreading the thought of work, I tried to make my morning routine on Monday last a little longer. I showered for a good half hour and then proceeded to lay in my bed naked for another twenty minutes before deciding that I should actually get to work because showing up late would not only result in Ryan reprimanding me, but it would also single me out, which was not what I wanted from the day. It was the sort of day where all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and disappear, but since that was out of the question, I hopped on the bus and rode to the studio.

I waited in my trailer for the cue guy to tell me my scene was up. When I should have been studying for scenes, I was desperately awaiting walking on to set facing Alex after my mortifying state of oblivion and, of course, Evan. I didn’t know if I should be angry at him or what so when I got the “five minutes to set” knock on my door, I sat petrified. Playing it cool and laying low would be the best move, I decided.

“Hey, Alex,” I called out as nonchalantly as possible, hoping that my cool demeanor would erase the embarrassment of the past.

“Hi, are you feeling any better?” She called out politely, but obviously still a little irked by the conversation yesterday.

“Actually, yeah. Thanks for asking I feel a lot better,” I lied, knowing I hadn’t been sick at all.

“That’s good.”

“Mhm,” I nodded and kept moving along.

“Ready?” Ryan yelled in my general direction.

“Yep,” I smiled. Evan was waiting for our scene. I didn’t know how to react, we hadn’t spoken in more than two days, which didn’t seem normal to me. He didn’t look at me, I assumed out of shame. 

“Hey, got your lines memorized?” I asked idiotically. He was a professional, he rarely came to work even a few minutes late, let alone without lines memorized. Without so much as a glance in my direction, he nodded his head. And that was all of our interaction for the day, besides our scenes of course. In the middle of them I would pretend that this was our reality; he was such a good actor it was easy to get lost in the moment. His character was so in love with me, and I so in love back it wasn’t hard to see the connection. But every time Ryan yelled “cut!” my dreams vanquished and Evan walked to the other side of the set and refused to acknowledge my existence. Part of me thought it was the right thing for him to do; he’d cheated on me and now was avoiding me, it seemed perfectly logical. And another part of me wanted to run to him anyhow and tell him it would be fine and I forgave him and that we could just move past it, and yet another side knew that I shouldn’t run into the arms of a cheater, but the scenes made him that much more irresistible. As we acted he told me he said beautiful things about me and he kissed me and he loved me and he caressed me and looked longingly into my eyes as if they were home for him, and yet at the drop of a hat I was nothing. Invisible. Non-existent. A creature he’d not yet discovered nor heard of.

The dichotomy was not one I pleased, nor cared to be thrown into minute by minute. What made it all worse was the fact that it seemed completely meaningless to him. He strolled around the set talking to everyone else as if nothing mattered to him, while I sat alone curled up in a ball pretending to read my script all the while frantically questioning why he didn’t seem to give a damn. 

Perhaps the most depressing moment of the day came when we were all taking a sort of on-set lunch break and I watched Evan and Alex chat each others’ ears off while he stroked her arm. It wasn’t a friendly thing to do, it was cute and playful and loving. Without knowing any back-story, and at a glance, they were together and I was the creepy stalker analyzing their motions from behind a corner wall on “my way to the bathroom.” Of course that was a lie, just to get out of their view, so I could run to my trailer and cry in peace. I was at a tremendous loss for words and for the first time in awhile after work that day I went home alone, taking the bus.

I debated whether or not to text him, I mean, how long could the silent treatment really go on for? We were co-workers and ex-lovers at best, it wasn’t as if we could just pretend the other never existed, right? For once, I let my better judgement decide that he would talk to me when he wanted, he was a rational person, if anything, and when he wanted to talk, he would; there was no reason for me to rush him. I had gotten a stomach bug that night as well, vomiting up a storm, I thought it best we not rekindle (I was being optimistic) that night anyway, as we wouldn’t be able to do much.

*****************************************************************************

As quickly as the thought had made itself known in my mind, it was gone. I knew the minute I stepped onto set the next day that I couldn’t wait much longer. Infamous for my impatience, three days giving someone their space was too much for me to handle, I needed to be acknowledged. We filmed a few scenes and then at our break for lunch I was ready to make my move. 

Standing away from him, I called out, “Evan!”

He turned his head awkwardly, he didn’t seem pleased, “What?”

“Can I talk to you over here for a minute?” I half questioned, half demanded.

“Sure,” he muttered, obviously cross. He walked away from his conversation to meet me around the corner of the wall, out of the way of anyone’s vision. “What do you want?”

“Why haven’t you been talking to me?” I just launched into an attack, although I didn’t have a plan of how the conversation was going to work, I had to try something.

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“Really? So you’re saying that this is my fault?” I quickly took the offensive.

“What the fuck are you talking about? I just said that you’ve been avoiding me too. Why are you so pissy?”

“Why am I so pissy? I don’t fucking know MAYBE because you took me to my goddamn birthday party, got me wasted and then proceeded to leave me there without a ride home.”

“I, uh,” he stammered, I’d caught him red-handed even before I’d mentioned Alex.  

“Yeah, what? What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that you could fucking make it home, I don’t know I was wasted and I couldn’t find you. I barely remembered you were there. I thought you were having a good time and you’d find some other way home, if you hadn’t already.”

“Well you thought fucking wrong, I waited there until past closing and had to call a damn cab to take me home. And I was worried about you because I thought you were so wasted, like you said, and I noticed your car wasn’t in the parking lot. I was so scared about what might’ve happened to you or your car, so you know what I did? I went to your house the next morning, and guess who the fuck opened the door?” His facial expression hadn’t changed, but I assumed he knew what my next move would be, “Alex. And you were walking around in the back with your fucking shirt off. Great way to go about things, Evan,” I bitched. “Way to take an underage girl to her own birthday party, get her drunk, leave her there and then cheat on her to top it all off!” I rambled seemingly forgetting what I’d done the night of the party also…

“What are you even talking about?” He looked genuinely confused.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. I came to your house two days ago, worried about you, and your ex greeted me.”

“Yeah, so?”

“Yeah so what? Cheating on me is okay? Because we’re what, not a thing?”

“Where are you getting this cheating from? Are you insane? Stop being so paranoid. Just because Alex and I have a history doesn’t mean that we’re on the verge of fucking each other’s brains out every second. I was wasted, you’re right. So wasted, I couldn’t drive home, but Alex hadn’t had too many drinks so I gave her the keys to my car and she drove me home and crashed on my couch while I slept in the bed.”

“Oh,” I mumbled ashamed.

“Yeah, so, maybe you want to give me the benefit of the doubt before you go fucking psycho.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“I know you didn’t know. It’s because you didn’t bother to ask. You just assumed and went crazy on me with absolutely no knowledge of what really happened.”

“I know, it was stupid of me, I’m sorry.”

“Are we done here?” He asked more angry with me than I’d ever seen him.

“Mhm, I guess,” I murmured. He stormed off back to the set, and I moped out after him. I didn’t like how the conversation ended and I wanted to come to a resolution. I didn’t want to just go back to ignoring him like before.

So, despite feeling bloated and sickly, I walked over to him with as much confidence as I could muster up. Apparently, that was not much because just as I had gotten nearly two feet from him, I felt ill. The only thing to be grateful for was that I didn’t hurl completely on him, but he turned in just enough time to see me running toward the bathroom about to blow chunks.

Someone told Ryan what they had seen because upon my return he immediately sent me home. And it wasn’t in a nice, “oh you’re sick, you should take the day off” sort of way it was a “you’re sick and you’re going to contaminate the rest of the cast and crew and possibly me, get out of here you walking life-sized germ.” Perhaps I was exaggerating, but that’s what his words felt like, being banished from the set after trying to work up my nerve to do something important, and then being forced to sit at the bus stop for twenty minutes because the bus schedule doesn’t cater to my ill-needs. I suppose the waiting wasn’t all that bad as it gave me the chance to stop at the drugstore and pick up some Advil among other things. 

After I got home in the middle of the day I fiddled with all the medical things I’d bought and the concoction knocked me out for a solid three hours, and when I woke up I realized on what terrible terms Evan and I still were, so I decided it would be best to pay him a visit away from everyone. Besides, I had called him out on something that wasn’t even true, it was best he knew the truth on my end of things. The whole truth. I took the bus to his house and made the familiar trip up the stairs once again. I knocked on the door; I had something to get off my chest and I wasn’t leaving until he heard me out.

——————————————————————————————-

“Coming!” Evan exclaimed after he’d heard a knock. “Oh,” he murmured in sight of me. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”

“Hi. I know, I just thought we should talk.”

“Um, alright, about what?”

“Can I come in?”

“I guess.” He reluctantly opened the door a little further. 

“Thanks,” I spoke quietly and modestly, not wanting to overstep my boundaries. I was walking on thin ice already, there was no reason to overdo it and throw myself underwater completely. Evan still acted gentlemanly, shutting the door behind me and beckoning for me to walk ahead of him, “ladies first.” I carefully removed my shoes, indicating without words to him that I meant to stay there for awhile. He rolled his eyes at the subtle action, knowing exactly what it meant.

“So…,” Evan muttered awkwardly.

“Can we go sit down or something?”

“Sure.” He walked into the living room and motioned for me to sit on the couch, while he took the loveseat. “Ahem, do you, um, want something to drink?” He tried to maneuver around the uncomfortable situation as best as possible, my silence wasn’t helping. There was nowhere for him to go this time, no one around he could leave this conversation to go to, just me.

“No, thanks, I’m fine.” 

“Okay, then.”

“I just wanted to say how badly I felt after today,” I jumped right into things.

“Yeah.”

“No, I’m serious, I acted like such a bitch and I really should have asked you about things first. I had no reason to take the offensive.”

“Mhm,” he mumbled looking rather guilty.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay, see, that’s not going to work, I came over here so both of us could get everything on the table and not have any more secrets. So, please, I’m begging you to just tell me so we can put this whole instance behind us.”

“I guess you weren’t wholly wrong to take the offensive.” I began to get nervous, I wasn’t planning on him telling me that he did sleep with Alex, what a fool that would make me look.

“What do you mean?” I tried to ask coolly.

“She, um, kissed me Friday night,” I stifled a gasp.

“And?”

“That’s it, really, she just kissed me and I pushed her off.” I didn’t know how to respond, I go be the parent and ask “is there something else you’re not telling me” or I could be cool about it all and respect that he was telling me everything. My silence was a good enough indicator of my inner conflict. “I’m serious, that’s it. I was uncomfortable with it. I didn’t even say anything about us as a reason for not wanting her, I just didn’t want her on me. Period. And she got the idea. That was it, it won’t happen again, I’m sure.”

“That’s good to know,” I smiled. “It doesn’t even sound like you did anything wrong at all.”

“I didn’t think so.” I smiled again “So what was it you wanted to tell me?”

“Oh,” I looked ashamed as I thought of the secrets I needed to let go. “Well,” I swallowed hard, “there’s something you should know about the party.” 

“Yeah?” He asked seemingly intrigued.

“Okay, I’m not gonna tell you to “not be mad,” because I know that always leads people to get mad and…well, yeah, you know, that’s just stupid. You’re gonna react how you’re gonna react and that’s it.” I swallowed again, stalling.

“Mhm, what is it?” He ask a little perturbed this time. He wanted me to tell him, I could see that much.

“Well, okay, so after you gave me my first drink…remember that?”

“Yep.”

“Okay, so after that, I thought that maybe it would be a good idea to just let loose and really have a good night, so I got another drink, and another…and I lost track around five or six shots.”

“Is that your confession?’ He started laughing. “That’s it? You were drunk? Is it because you’re underage? You think that I care? Hahaha, please, oh my god, listen that’s not a big deal at all, I was doing way worse shit. Younger than you, even.” I felt like shit, he hadn’t patronized me for my age in awhile, not to mention the fact that he had no idea what he was talking about.

“Haha, yeah,” I stumbled over my words not knowing how to finish out the thought.

“That’s seriously it? God, you had me worried.”

“Yeah, I mean, no. That’s not it. There’s more I need to tell you.” He stopped laughing immediately.

“Okay, go ‘head.”

“That was just sort of my backstory, I guess I was using it as almost an excuse, and I know it isn’t one okay, I know.” It was much harder to get out the story than I thought it would be. “This is why so many people go to hell,” I thought to myself, “because it’s so damn hard to repent.” He nodded, signaling for me to continue. “So, I just, um, was kind of out of it I guess, and I tripped and spilled my drink on this guy, and then I was, like, all embarrassed, and I, um, like, he was, er, giving me all these compliments, like, you’re pretty and stuff and I didn’t know how to react…,” I started biting my nails and I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. Evan knew what I was trying to get at, at this point. He wasn’t stupid, he was just waiting for me to say it. He wanted to hear me confess. He wanted me to own up for the wrongdoing I’d done, he didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of not having to say it. 

“And,” he insisted.

“And, so I, um, I just got really flustered, and he was saying all this nice stuff about me–,”

“Yeah, I think you mentioned that part,” he said bitingly.

“Okay, um, yeah, you’re right,” I was biting my nails furiously at this point, I could barely get out a string of words, let alone a coherent sentence. “So, he took me to, um, I don’t know the bathrooms or something and he started kissing me,” I was sobbing at this point, which only made it that much harder to understand what I was trying to say, “And, um, so, yeah, I was kissing back too and, um–,”

“Just spit it the fuck out, okay? I told you what I had to say, pick up the pace.” 

“That’s it.”

“Are you serious?” He asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, okay, um, we were just kissing and–,”

“AND?!” He stood up and was screaming now, “AND?! So there is more?!”

“Yes, okay, I’m sorry, please stop yelling at me!”

“Just keep going!” 

“Um, so, he, um started to take off my underwear and I told him to stop and then that was it.”

“So, you’re telling me that he took off your underwear and then just left?! That’s the whole story.”

“Yeah,” I sniffled, “But there’s more.”

“I KNOW THERE’S MORE!” He screamed.

“No, you don’t understand, not more about that–,”

“You know how I know there’s more?!”

“Wait, just–,”

“Because I fucking saw you!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking ab– Wait, what?” I looked up at him now, frightened.

 “Yeah, that’s right, do you think I would honestly leave you at your goddamn birthday party?” He through his arms in the air, “Of course not! But once I saw you in the arms of some other fucking guy, I thought you could take care of yourself!”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“Oh, so now this is my fault because I didn’t tell you I saw you two? No, don’t fucking pin this on me, you fucking cheated, I saw him with his fucking dick out, I saw you all fucking over him.”

“No, please, stop it, you’re wrong. We didn’t do anything like that. We didn’t have s-ex,” I choked over the word.

“Oh, cool it with your innocent act, will you?! How many times do I have to say it? I FUCKING SAW IT.”

“I pushed him off me, okay! I realized what we were doing was wrong so I got him off me! We didn’t do anything more than that! I kissed him just like you kissed Alex!”

“No, don’t fucking pretend what we did was the same. I got her off me instantly. Even AFTER I saw you and that fucking guy I knew it was wrong for me to be with her.”

I wiped the tears from my eyes, “You’re right. You’re absolutely right,” I said with more clarity than anything had been said with in awhile. He looked dumbfounded. “I made a mistake. And a big one at that, and I’m sorry, I wanted to come here to say that in person.” I stood up to meet him eye to eye.

“So, you expect me to just believe you?!” 

I took his hands in mine and calmly said, “Yes, just like I believed you when you told me.”

“You didn’t fucking believe me! You instead refused to ask me my side of things and just launched into a diatribe about how I cheated on you! Fucking hypocrite.” 

“I know, look, I know, okay? You’re right, and you have every reason to be upset. I’m admitting that I made mistakes, and that was one of them, but when you told me right now all you did with Alex was kiss her, I believed you, just as you should believe me because we’re both telling each other the truth.”

“Look, I just don’t know if I can have you here right now, I’m really out of my head and I don’t want to keep screaming at you.” He took his hands from mine and walked away.

With his back turned to mine I replied, “I understand, I don’t want to keep arguing too, but I hope you believe me.” 

He turned around for a second to say, “I do, and I’m sorry for yelling.” And with that he began to pace around the room.

“I know you are, I’m sorry for everything too. I’m going to go, now, but before I do, I just want to get everything off my chest, okay?” I swallowed once more, more nervous now than before.

“What?” He yelled getting heated up again, “I thought you just did! See I knew it! I knew you fucked him! God damn–,”

“No, you’re wrong–,”

“No, I’m not, I knew I fucking saw you two!”

“I-I’m pregnant,” I stuttered.